


Life with Leviticus

by CaptainLokii



Category: Father Brown (2013)
Genre: Assault, Happy Ending, Homophobia, I promise, Internalized Homophobia, Kidnapping, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sid Carter needs all the love and cuddles in the world, Talk of Suicide, Torture, gay cure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-26 15:55:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13239084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLokii/pseuds/CaptainLokii
Summary: Sid knew the bible inside out it happens when you grow up in the home of a priest.Now he was older and had discovered his shameful secret what's he going to do when a horrific case comes knocking and hits far to close to home?





	Life with Leviticus

**Author's Note:**

> This story gets very fucked up in one part but it has a very happy ending I promise so stick with it.

Sid lay in his bed watching the winter frost climb the windows of his caravan. He'd spent most of the night staring out at the empty fields around him attempting to avoid sleep at all cost in fear of what that nights dreams would entail.

 

His head ached from tiredness. He couldn't remember the last time he'd caught more than a five minute nap when the matchsticks could no longer keep his eyes open till he jolted awake anxiously looking around him in hopes no one had noticed.

 

Christmas was around the corner which meant the Father or Mrs Mccarthy were far too busy with church business to notice the deep purple bags that hung beneath his eyes nowadays. Adding that to the recent events of the little twins who had gone missing from under their mothers watch and all the drama that followed with the dead husband's secret twin brother who was also meant to be dead but wasn't and lured the twins away as revenge for his belief that the mother had killed his brother to begin with rather than dying in the trenches like what actually happened. It had been a rather eventful week so not even he had time to focus on his tiredness.

 

He sighed and sat himself up pushing the thin blanket off himself and swung his legs from the bed stepping into his boots and trousers and flipped on the stove to boil some water. If he was going to get through the day he was going to need coffee and a lot of it.

 

The kettle whistled as it boiled blowing steam upwards melting the frost he'd watched form through the night. He poured the hot liquid of the granules in his well used cup and chugged it down without even adding any milk. He had the feeling this was going to be a black coffee kind of day.

 

He put the cup down on the counter again perhaps a little to forcefully and shrugged on his hat and coat and headed out the door. The father had requested he be at the rectory by 8 that morning to fix his bicycle before he went on his home visits to homebound parishioners.  
~~

 

"Morning Father" he called into the kitchen as he shut the front door behind him.

 

"Ah Sid! Come and look at this..." he called back clearly deep in thought over whatever he was doing. He turned into the kitchen and saw the father sat in his usual chair with Mrs Mccarthy looking over his shoulder both staring quizzically down at a letter on the table in front of them.

 

"Love letter you got there Father" he asked making the priest chuckle and Mrs Mccarthy flick her tea towel at him in objection.

 

"Do behave Sidney" she admonished.

 

"Sorry Mrs M" he said trying to look sorry but failing to hide his smile.

 

"Do you recognise this handwriting Sid?" the father asked holding the paper up so he could read its contents. It didn't contain any information about where it had come from or who had sent it. It didn't even have a stamp on the envelope. The letter itself only contained two words "Thank you" in a fancy swirl he'd imagine would come from someone Lady Felicia's husband would associate with.

 

"Nah, never seen it before" he shrugged taking a seat and snatching a scone from the table savouring the still warm flavour of Mrs Mccarthy's fresh bakes.

 

"How interesting..." The father said his mind clearly wirring "A mysterious note with no name or return address..."

 

"Probably just a grateful parishioner thanking you for a lovely service on sunday father" Mrs Mccarthy said "Nothing to worry yourself over" she said taking the note from his hands and placing it on the mantle. "Don't you have some home visits to be getting on with anyway Father?"

 

"Ah yes, Sid I appear to have loosened something on my bicycle after an encounter with a pothole yesterday could you see what you can do about it?"

 

"Right you are Father" Sid said heaving his tired frame from the chair with a groan, his muscles screaming in weary agony as he shuffled out to the shed.

 

Not even black coffee was cutting it today, he thought to himself as he flipped the bike upside down and set to work realigning the wheel frame.

 

The spokes on the wheel blurred and doubled as he tried to focus on the bolt he was tightening. Suddenly the whole room was spinning and the ground was coming up to meet him and everything went black.

 

~~

 

_"Sid? Sid? Sidney Carter?"_ a muffled voice called to him through the haze.

 

"Back with us Sidney?" another voice said clearer that time.

 

"Am I dead?" he groaned lifting his hands up to cradle his painful head.

 

"Unless Saint Peter wears some very expensive heels I don't think you've reached the pearly gates just yet Sid" another voice said. Lady Felicia, he realised.

 

He cracked his eyes open and winced at the sudden change in light that hit him full force in the face. "What happened?" he asked noticing he was now inside rather than on the cold stone floor of the shed.

 

"We were hoping you could tell us that." Mrs Mccarthy said as she hurried around the room towards him with a steaming cup of tea in her hand.

 

"I was fixing the Father's bike...now I'm here..." he paused and looked around the room realising he was on the sofa in Father Brown's office. "How did I get here?" he asked as he couldn't imagine Mrs M, Lady Felicia or the Father managing to carry his large frame this far even between them.

 

"Some local lads were kind enough to lend a hand" The Father said smiling at him warmly "how's your head feeling? You took a nasty knock, the Doctor had to give you a few stitches"

 

Sid reached up to trace along the thin thread keeping the cut together. He looked around again at the concerned look on his friends faces "I'm fine, really. Must've just had a dizzy spell is all. Nothing to worry yourselves over. Tough as nails me"

 

Father Brown stood up and patted him warmly on the shoulder "We know you are. Rest up here for a while till Mrs Mccarthy judges you fit to get up." he leaned in closer and mock whispered "I wouldn't try arguing with our resident Matron if I were you Sidney." he laughed excusing himself from the room.

 

"Do take care Sidney" Lady Felicia said kissing him on the cheek before she left leaving him with just Mrs Mccarthy for company.

 

"Now young man" she said sternly "You better get some sleep whilst I cook you a nice hearty meal to help get you back on your feet" she unfurled a blanket from beside her and threw it over him and fluffed the pillow beneath his head.

 

"I really should be getting on Mrs M. I need to fix the Fathers bike I don't have time to sleep" he protested trying to stand.

 

"Nonsense!" she snapped "Sleep. Now. You will do as you're told young man" she gave him a knowing glare "Don't think for a second I don't see those bags under your eyes. I don't know what you've been doing to be awake at all hours but under my watch you will get some sleep" she said with finality and left the room in a flourish.

 

Sid lay back down on the pillow and once again the wave of dizziness hit him making him feel nauseous. Maybe it would be best if he lay here just for a little while till it passed.

 

His eyelids started to feel heavy and his mind got clouded. He tried to fight the pull of sleep but couldn't hold it off any longer. How long had it been since he had last slept? A week? More? Stupid, he thought to himself. Now he's gone and worried Mrs M and the Father with his own stupid troubles.

 

His last ounce of strength gave way and he drifted off to a deep sleep.

 

_Hands caressed over his skin. Rough fingertips leaving red marks on his thighs._

_Warm breath came with a moan against his neck as they kissed a trail downwards across his chest until they reached his thighs._

_He moaned now as the warm breath became a warm wet mouth sucking him in making him grasp the bed sheets in his fist and his back arch as he tried to get more from the pleasure._

_The mouth left him again and made its way back up his chest till the soft lips were places firmly against his. They tasted sweet like chocolate mixed with beer. He let his hands roam over their soft skin taking in every dip and curve of their perfect body._

_He drank in their scent and the taste of their mouth on his and enjoyed the way their stubble burned so sweetly against his cheek._

_Stubble..._

_shit..._

__

 

He sat bolt upright with a cry and tumbled to the floor with a crash. He was covered in sweat and he could feel a wet patch on the front of his trousers.

 

Shit, shit, shit he thought to himself as he got his barings back. Footsteps rushed down the hall towards the door, multiple pairs. He pulled the blanket over his lap trying to cover his shame as best he could and wiped the tears that were brimming at his eyes away before the door swung open and Mrs Mccarthy and Father Brown rushed in.

 

"Sid, whats wrong?" Father Brown asked with concern etched on his brow.

 

"Nothing Father. Didn't mean to scare you both just fell off the sofa in my sleep" he said but even to his own ears he didn't sound convincing and going from the look on his friends faces they didn't believe him either.

 

It's not like he could actually tell them what had woken him was it? A priest and an extremely religious elderly woman? The man who had been a father to him in both senses of the word since he was a very small boy. Who had raised him and loved him even through all his troubled years and had introduced him to Lady Felicia who'd given him a respectable job rather than the path of crime he'd been on before. How could he tell them he'd been dreaming such sinful things.

 

If it was a choice between never sleeping again or losing the only thing he'd ever been able to call family then he knew which option he was going to take.

 

"Sidney" the Father said sitting down "Don't think for a second I don't know when you are lying to me" He didn't seem angry when he said it nor was there any hint of it in his eyes but he could only imagine the fire that would be in his eyes when he brought the wrath of god down on him if he knew about what went on in his head.

 

"It's nothing Father"

 

"Are you in trouble? Has someone threatened you? We can help Sid if you talk to us" he said with all sincerity.

 

That sincerity wouldn't be there if he knew what a disgrace he really was.

 

He'd first noticed when he was in his teens when he'd watch the older boys playing rugby in the local school field. Somewhere along the lines he stopped watching their skillful playing and instead his mind drifted to thoughts of how their shirts fitted their arms or across their chests so they emphasized the muscle beneath. Those thoughts then lead to more of their thick muscular thighs which started to infiltrate his dreams.

 

Thick muscular thighs wrapped around him pinning him down or thrusting against him....

 

He'd done everything to block those thoughts out and for a few years he'd almost succeeded. Drink and danger could only go so far into blocking out unwanted visuals.

 

Then they had a case come along a few months ago. A woman had reported her husband missing and people believed it to be murder. They were just waiting for someone to discover the body. Afterall why would a newly wed man run off and leave his beautiful wife and all his belongings behind?

 

The new Inspector Sullivan wasn't getting anywhere with the case but Father Brown had got himself a lead which lead to him finding himself hiding in a closet of what was supposed to be an abandoned house waiting for the suspect to show up.

 

He showed up alright and he wasn't alone. The missing husband was with him and unlike what they had previously believed there was certainly no hatred between the pair as they kissed and hurriedly removed each others clothes.

 

He'd wanted to jump out right there and then and announce his presence he honestly had but he couldn't take his eyes off the way the pair moved together. After Father Brown completed his master plan and the truth was revealed albeit with a few details missing, Sid hadn't even made it back to his caravan before he emptied the contents of his stomach in disgust at himself and what he'd seen. Tears had streaked down his face as he retched up bile and he punched the sodden ground beneath him in anger.

 

That was the night the dreams started again and nothing he could do would stop them. So he vowed of sleep and now here he was making a fool of himself in front of the Father and Mrs Mccarthy because he couldn't control his own sinful nature.

 

His mother had been right about him all along when she left him. He was destined to burn in the fiery pits of hell for all eternity.

 

No, the sincerity would certainly not be there anymore if they knew the truth. That he was a homosexual.

 

He'd read about people like him. Getting caught in public toilets in the city and sent to jail or worse. The ones that didn't even make it to being put in handcuffs barely even made the news just because tales being gossiped about in a quiet corner of the pub.

 

He'd tried so hard to suppress his attraction to other men. He'd forced himself to be with women in the past but just left himself sick to his stomach from shame and disgust. The only way he had managed to go through with the act had been by picturing hard angles rather than soft curves and muscular thighs were pressing him down into the bed rather than delicate limbs. When he was alone he was instantly it with a wave of sickness in repulsion to what he'd done. How could he explain that to them?

 

"It's nothing Father. I've just not been sleeping well lately" he said trying to will back the tear that was threatening to brim over.

 

Mrs Mccarthy made a concerned sound and scurried over to feel his forehead "You feel awfully hot. Do you not feel well? Shall I fetch the Doctor?" she asked.

 

"No!" he said far louder than he intended "No there isn't anything he can do for me." She didn't look satisfied by his answer but thankfully let it drop. If they continued to question him he didn't know how long he could lie to them for.

 

"Sid. Whatever it is that's bothering you, and I know something is, you can talk to us about it. You are like a son to me and I will do anything in my power to help you"

 

He couldn't hold the tear in any longer and it dripped down his cheek and he hung his head ashamed and hoping neither of them saw it fall. "That's why I can't tell you. You'd never have anything to do with me again. You literally took me in off the street when I was a small boy. You fed and clothed me and taught me to read and write. Mrs M you taught me how to cook and always said how nice it tasted even when it definitely wasn't. You recorded my height as I grew on the door frame and kissed my wounds when I scraped my knees. You are the only family i've ever known and I can't risk you hating me." tears were flowing down his cheek now.

 

"Oh heavens Sidney. Whatever have you done" Mrs Mccarthy said "You've not got some young girl in the family way have you?"

 

Sid found himself choking out a laugh at the thought of him doing such a thing. Oddly the idea sounded much more pleasant than what was really going on. "No Mrs M. Definitely no baby Carters going to be pitter pattering around any time soon"

 

"Then what pray tell could possibly be so bad?" she asked.

 

"I can't tell you"

 

"Sid" Father Brown said "Would you like to take confession? Then anything you want to say will be completely between you and God" he offered.

 

"God has given up on me Father" he sniffled.

 

"Whatever has put that notion in your head? God forgives all who are willing to repent"

 

"Not this he doesn't. I belong in the pits of hell" his chest felt tight and his head span as he sobbed into his hands. His whole world felt like it was falling apart around him and there was no escape. They knew he was lying to them now and would never trust him again but if he told them what he was hiding then he'd never so much as see them again. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place with no escape.

 

"Sidney have you hurt someone?" Father Brown asked sounding stern. He shook his head in reply. "Then what? You've not hurt someone or got a girl pregnant and stealing has never bothered you before. Is it drugs? We can get you help if you need to. Theirs hospitals for that sort of thing nowadays."

 

"It's not drugs Father. Please don't make me tell you." he begged.

 

"We're worried about what's got you in such a state Sid. You've gone from a happy go lucky man who always had a cheeky comment ready to go. To this, a crying bundle on the floor. You've literally made yourself sick with whatever is bothering you. When was the last time you slept? Or ate a meal that Mrs Mccarthy didn't give you?"

 

"I can't sleep anymore and anything I eat makes me sick. I'm can't cope Father." he tugged at his hair in exasperation. "If I tell you then I will be alone. Just trust me Father and let me deal with this by myself. I can sort this all out" He didn't know what he could do but he was willing to try anything to keep his family.

 

"Alright Sid. Remember though if you ever want to talk then we are always here for you. A problem shared is a problem halved."

 

Sid scrubbed the tears from his cheek and stood up swaying slightly as the room still span. He steadied himself by grabbing on to the side of the desk next to the sofa till he got his balance in check. "I need to go now Father. I'll see you at Mass on Sunday" he said and darted for the door before either of the pair could object or question him further.

 

He walked as fast as could through the village till he found the building he was looking for. This was the last thing he could think of that could help him. He'd tried to sort it by his own means by not allowing himself to sleep in hopes of avoiding his sinful thoughts and he'd tried to drown them out with drink. Maybe the Doctor could help him.

 

He opened the door to the surgery and walked inside. The receptionist was typing a way at her typewriter in a flurry of clicks and pings. He remembered her from a few years ago. She came to Mass a few times and had flirted with him for months. He'd tried to flirt back but every wink or remark just felt empty and bleak.

 

"Good Morning Mr Carter, what may I do for you today?" she asked with a pleasant smile.

 

"I need to see the Doc. Soon as possible" he said trying not to show that he had been crying not moments before.

 

"We're very busy at the moment but if you take a seat I'm sure he can squeeze you in soon. May I ask the reason for your visit today?" her voice was light and sing song and her eyes twinkled as she looked at him "I do hope you aren't unwell Sid" she said dropping her professional manner for a moment.

 

The room spun again and he tipped forward before catching himself "If I wasn't sick I wouldn't be here love" he snapped. He saw the hurt look as the twinkle left her eyes and he immediately felt bad. "Sorry. Bad day" he said pointing to the wound on his head in hopes she'd take it as a valid reason for his behavior.

 

"Take a seat Mr Carter the Doctor will be with you shortly" she said with the absolute professional tone back in full force.

 

He took a seat in the waiting area. A small room with a row of chairs against the back wall with a view of a selection of butterflies pinned in cases. Sid had never imagined himself feeling like a butterfly but the idea of being trapped with a pin stabbed right through his middle felt all to real right now.

 

He sat for at least an hour and patients came and went, children screamed and ran around with snotty noses and old men coughed up a lung for years working in the factories. They all were here to get better and took no notice of him sat wrapped in on himself in the far corner waiting for his last hope to call his name. If the doctor couldn't save him now then there was only one option he could see. He'd had it all planned for months now and would take moments to put the plan into action. It wouldn't create to much of a mess so wouldn't leave any bother for Father Brown to deal with when they found his body. A short drop and it would be over for good and it wasn't like he wasn't going to spend an eternity in hell to begin with so what harm could one extra sin do?

 

"Sidney Carter, the Doctor will see you now" the sing song voice called from reception and he slowly made his way into the office where the doctor was sat behind his desk.

 

"Ah, Mr Carter what can I do for you today?" he said merrily. He was a middle aged man with dark hair greying around the edges. He wore an expensive looking black suit with a thin red tie. Sid couldn't help but think how handsome he looked but then the not tightened in his stomach reminding him why he was here.

 

"You gotta help me Doc" he begged "I don't know what to do with myself anymore"

 

"Well what seems to be the problem?"he said leaning forward on his desk and clasping his hands together.

 

"I need you to cure me"

 

"Of what?"

 

"My sinful nature"

 

"I'm not sure I'm the right man for you Mr Carter. It's Father Brown you ought to be talking to about sinning." he explained

 

"No you don't understand" he said feeling frustrated. He didn't want to have to say those words out loud. "I can't talk to him about this. There has to be some tablet you can give me or an injection or something to stop me thinking these disgusting thoughts" he pinched his thigh hard enough to bruise in an attempt to calm himself down.

 

"Mr Carter if you want help you have to tell me what the problem is. This is entirely confidential nothing can leave this room"

 

He sucked in a breath and tried to muster up what little courage he had left "I need you to cure me of being a... a homosexual" the look on the doctors face changed from friendly to disgusted in an instant. He could understand why as that was the same reaction that went through his mind every time he looked in the mirror.

 

"Are you sure you are a homosexual Mr Carter? Perhaps you've just not met the right girl yet. Have you tried being with a girl in the past?" the Doctor said his voice tight and to the point.

 

"I don't want any girl but I don't want to be a homosexual either. There's got to be something you can give me. I'll do anything..."

 

"In all my years of practicing i've never had the likes of you come to me for treatment. In my days of training I would've been calling for you to be sectioned right now but perhaps with age i've become a little more liberal. I do not condone this sick behavior but like all illnesses there is a cure." he explained "There are several methods of treatment you could go down. Electroshock therapy is one option but it would involve a stay in a psychiatric hospital that could take several months. There is also the option of chemical castration. There are side effects to this method but the pros would rather outweigh the cons in this sort of situation"

 

Sid gulped. Electroshock therapy? Castration? "Is there something a little less...brutal..."

 

"This kind of mental abnormality needs to be treated quickly and with a firm hand. We have no time for a soft approach."

 

"What does chemical castration entail?" he asked pinching at his thigh again to calm his nerves.

 

"A simple pill of oestrogen twice a day in the morning and evening with food. It may take a while for the effects to be apparent but its a method i've heard good things about from the lancet."

 

"What are the side effects?" he asked

 

The doctor looked up but avoided eye contact "Oh you know. The usual things that come with long term medication. Possible weight gain etcetera. Nothing to fuss over."  
"And it can cure me?"

 

"Mr Carter your perverse tendencies can only be cured if you are willing to accept your illness and seek redemption. Coming here is your first step in doing so but you have a long battle ahead of you."

 

"I need this Doc and I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Gimme the pills" he pleaded. He wasn't going to live a perverse life any longer. He couldn't stand not sleeping anymore either.

 

The doctor wrote out a prescription form and handed it to him "Take this to the pharmacy and start your treatment immediately. Do not skip any doses Mr Carter and do not act on any of your urges lest you want to find yourself behind bars with the other perverts" it sounded like a threat to his ears but he could understand where the doc was coming from. If he was behind that desk he'd have felt the exact same way.

 

He needed to be normal for his family.

 

He all but ran round the corner when he left the doctors office. The pharmacy bell clattered loudly as he thrust the door open and slammed the prescription down on the desk. The pharmacist picked it up and read its contents and Sid didn't miss the sideways glance he gave as he went to the back room to collect the pills.

 

He returned a few minutes later with a large brown bottle filled to the brim with small white pills "You've been warned of the side effects I take it" he said ringing up the bottle "And know the consequences of your type not completing the dose" he sneered.

 

"I understand alright" he snapped at the man slamming the money on the counter and snatching the bottle from his hand and storming out the shop with the shout from the man echoing behind him.

 

He wasn't going to let anyone down anymore. He was going to be normal.

 

~~

 

He'd started taking the pills right away. It had been a few months before he'd seen any real effect from them. The dreams hadn't stopped any but they had helped in saving him from the disgrace of waking up with semen stained bed sheets. Any desire for anything even remotely sexual had long since passed.

 

It wasn't the effect he'd hoped it would have but it was a start.

 

The problem he found was not with the cure itself but more with the side effects. The doctor had said he might gain weight from long term usage but he hadn't said exactly where this weight gain would be.

 

He'd started noticing the changes after about six months into his regime. It wasn't a significant change that someone observing him fully clothed would notice but when he was alone and removed his clothing it was obvious to him what changes were happening. When the weight gain continued to get worse and were no longer hideable beneath his chauffeur uniform he'd gone straight back to the doctor to demand an explanation as to what was happening to him.  
The doctor had just shrugged him off and told him it was a small price to pay for not being a pervert. For Sid though the price was extreme and was affecting not only his work but his friendships as well.

 

He spent more time focusing on keeping his weight gain hidden than he did on what was going on around him.

 

He wasn't a vain man in the usual sense. Yes he cared about what his hair looked like and if he looked somewhat presentable but a slight belly or love handles wouldn't have fazed him in the slightest. It wasn't like he'd ever been stick thin or circus strong man levels of muscular. Rather he'd been slightly soft all over but still relatively slim. The problem was all the weight gain had gone straight to his chest. Not in the sense that it made him look like he had large pectoral muscles but like he had breasts like a woman. They'd started growing into not even a handful and the compression of his uniform hid it easily but now they were much larger and were making the buttons of his jacket impossible to close.

 

They had eventually gotten so large there was no mistaking what they were and any time he got a glimpse of himself in a mirror or shiny surface he'd be filled with rage like none he'd felt before and have to physically restrain himself from smashing the item in question. No mirror existed in his caravan any more.

 

He'd started using rags he'd stolen from Mrs Mccarthy's sewing basket to tie around his chest and hold them down but eventually they left thick red welts on his skin were they dug through sensitive flesh and left him sore and in constant pain.

 

It was whilst he was carefully removing the rags one night and gently cleaning the seeping wounds with some potion Mrs M kept in the Fathers medicine cabinet for emergencies that is world suddenly came crashing to a halt.

 

He was sat on the edge of his bed carefully dabbing at the wounds when the door to his caravan burst open and in walked Lady Felicia in a haze of expensive perfume.

 

"Sidney?" She called as she stepped inside and he had no chance to cover himself before she screamed and covered her mouth in shock. "Oh my word. Sidney what happened to you?" she asked as she looking at him curled up in shadow trying to cover the monstrosity his body had become. "you're bleeding" she exclaimed when she noticed the blood soaked rags and tissue on the floor. "I'll fetch an ambulance!" she said and made a start back for the door.

 

"No!" he choked out "No please! Don't! Just shut the door" he begged

 

"You're hurt Sidney..." she stepped closer to him but stopped when he bolted backwards so he was pressed as firmly as he could against the caravan wall. His whole body was burning red with shame and disgust. He'd not wanted anyone to see him like this. "Let me help you Sid.." she said calmly removing her gloves and delicately taking the cloth from the side and dipping it into the bowl of boiled water he had set out.

 

He couldn't bring himself to speak or uncover his chest. How much had she seen? Just the wounds on his side and back or more? How would she react? Would she run in horror if she saw what hung from his chest now? Some malformed tumors upon his skin?. "It's okay Sidney. I won't hurt you" she said in a maternal tone he'd never imagined her capable of.

 

She gently reached out and placed her soothing hand on his arm and he froze but let her pull his arms apart so she could see the mess he'd become. "Oh Sidney!" she gasped as she took in the full view "What happened to you?" she asked as she knelt in front of him now and started to gently dab at the wounds. "Are you ill?"

 

He choked out a sob and nodded not making eye contact with the woman he so looked up to. She had been a friend and mentor to him for so long and had given him his first legal job despite knowing what he was and now here she was seeing him for the mess he was inside and out.

 

"What's wrong with you?" she asked kindly. He shook his head again because how could he tell her? That he was a pansy? A fairy? A sodomite? The lowest rung on the ladder that not even the rubbish heap wanted.

 

She didn't press him further as she cleaned his weeping wounds and took a sheet from his bed and wrapped it tightly around him. She took a seat again in front of him and sat in silence for what felt like eternity.

 

"I've seen something like this before Sidney. A cousin of mine you see. He was taking these pills my Aunty and Uncle forced him to take to try and cure him after they walked in on him being intimate with the butler. Poppycock if you ask me. A cure for what exactly? Being a man with a sex drive? What nonsense" she said the last sentence so fiercely Sid felt a jolt of fear go through him. "Is that what has happened here Sid? Are you taking those awful pills?" He didn't say anything so she got up and started rummaging through the mess on the countertop till she found the almost empty bottle."Oh Sidney... Why didn't you talk to us? We could've helped you. There's no need for any of this tosh" she said as she uncorked the bottle poured the last of the pills into her hand and flung them out the caravan door.

 

"No!" he yelled and tried to catch them but winced in pain as the wound tugged "I need those. Please!" he begged.

 

"Look at what they've done to you. You poor boy" she said with a tear on her cheek as she helped him carefully back on to the bed.

 

"I need them" he begged again "If I don't take them then I will lose you and Father Brown and Mrs M. I need you. You're all I have" he was sobbing as he clutched at his pillow. "I don't have anything else"

 

"Oh sweetheart you could never lose us. Do you think a silly thing like this could make us stop loving you? We've watched you grow up from such a small fragile boy into the man you are today. Who you fall in love with won't end our love for you. We all have a few skeletons in our closet, even Father Brown." she carefully moved beside him and put her arms around him careful not to touch the covered wounds.

 

"God says man shouldn't lie with man. Its a sin. It's perverse."

 

"The bible says that not God. Do you really think he'd allow such a thing to exist if he wasn't okay with it?"

 

"They jail people like me. They kill us."

 

"Maybe so but things will change they always do. Why it wasn't that long ago I'd be burned at the stake as a witch just for speaking my mind. If that still happened I don't think I'd've survived past infancy." she said thoughtfully.

 

"The Father...Mrs Mccarthy..."

 

"Love you. Nothing will change that." She said it with such certainty but Sid couldn't imagine a world were a catholic priest could love a pervert like him.

 

His chest ached painfully and he felt nauseous and dizzy. He'd done all this to try and get better so he could sleep soundly again but now he slept less than ever. Even breathing hurt so much he wanted to just stop and would hold is breath till his lungs screamed for release and he'd relent and the cycle of misery would start again.

 

"It hurts so much" he whispered pitfully.

 

"I know sweetheart. Come on let's get you to Father Brown so we can get you sorted out properly with clean running water and actual bandages. I think we will need to call the doctor for the infection as well." she said kissing his head kindly.

 

"No! I can't let them see me like this"

 

"They know something is wrong darling why do you think I'm here? You've been so out of it recently I had to all put handcuff them to the table to stop them coming here with me. Family look out for each other and you are our family."

 

Sid sniffled pitifully but let himself be guided upright and out of the caravan where Lady Felicia had the car waiting. He knew things must've been bad if she'd risked driving here herself after what happened last time she was behind the wheel of a car.

 

He gingerly climbed into the back seat so he could spread out comfortably with less pressure on his chest and Lady Felicia carefully tucked a blanket over him and got behind the wheel.

 

The drive there was tense but silent. Lady Felicia attempted to drive as steadily as possible to not jolt him in the back seat which meant she drove so slowly it took half an hour to drive what would've taken him five minutes on a normal day.

 

When they pulled up at the rectory Mrs Mccarthy was standing on the steps wringing her wrists anxiously. When she saw him in the car she immediately went into action mode.

 

"Oh you poor child. Look at the state of you. White as a sheet. Inside with you." she grabbed his arm and lead him into the kitchen where Father Brown was sat at the table in his night clothes with a worried expression on his face. "Father fetch this one another blanket" she looked at him stood shivering in the doorway "Actually make it two. Come along Sidney sit down and rest" she practically dragged him into a seat and a steaming cup of tea was ready in front of him but the sight of it made his stomach churn and he had to look away.

 

"Mrs Mccarthy I do believe we are going to be in need of some of your first aid skills" Lady Felicia said as she waited patiently behind him. "Come along sweetheart show her your wounds so we can help you properly. I'm afraid I missed the first aid badge as a girl guide so my skills are rather subpar." He didn't move or look away from the spot on the wall beside him.

 

Father Brown returned with a stack of blankets fresh from the airing cupboard and put them on the table and returned to his seat opposite. "Let us help you Sid" he said in his usual kindly voice. He knew he would miss that voice for the rest of his days when they rejected him and made him leave Kembleford in disgrace. There was no escaping the fate he'd tried to avoid now.

 

He gingerly started to unravel the sheet tied around his chest revealing his red swollen breasts that hung down like pendulums. The skin under his arms and around his back was seeping blood and puss much worse than he'd realised before and the smell made him retch.

 

"Oh good Lord whatever has happened to you" Father Brown exclaimed in shock as they took in the mess that had become of his body. He couldn't look him in the eye as Mrs Mccarthy fussed around him putting some water on the boil to clean his wounds with.

 

"How did this happen?" the father asked "I thought you said you weren't sick?"

 

"He's not Father" Lady Felicia explained.

 

"Well he looks pretty darn sick to me" Mrs Mccarthy hissed as she wiped the wounds clean. "What have you done to yourself child?"

 

"Oh do be calm Mrs M the boy doesn't need a lecture right now. Can't you see he's distraught"

 

Father Brown pulled his chair closer to him and placed his hand on his knee "Sid talk to us."

 

"He's been taking these Father" Lady Felicia said handing him the bottle she'd emptied earlier. Sid sucked in a breath as the Father adjusted his reading glasses to read the label in the low light of the kitchen. He'd never been one for praying but he'd never prayed harder than he did right now that he wouldn't recognise what the pills were for.

 

"Oestrogen tablets... what ever for Sid?" he asked confused as Mrs Mccarthy took the bottle from him to read for herself. Sid didn't look any of them in the eye. He felt numb with fear as his world crumbled for good.

 

"You know why Father" Lady Felicia said putting a protective arm around his shoulder. The room was silent and the air tense as it dawned on them what it all meant. That he was a pervert. He needed to get out of there. Every cell in his body was screaming at him to run and not look back.

 

"I'll go. I'm sorry Father." he said forcing himself out of the chair and trying to make for the door but Lady Felicia blocked his path.

 

"Sit down Sidney" she ordered putting both hands on the door frame and he had no strength left to move her.

 

He hit his head against the wall in frustration and slid down it till he landed in a sobbing pile on the floor. "I'm sorry. I didn't want this. I tried to fix it and make it better. I tried to cure it. I know its a sin and I know it's disgusting and I will burn for it. I know, I know" he cried into the plaster. "I'm a monster" He could hear Lady Felicia sniffle above him as they looked down at him with disgust and pity.

 

"Oh my poor boy. My poor poor boy. You've suffered so much" It was Father Brown and his voice was cracking like he was trying not to cry himself. "All this time and I didn't realise how much pain you were in. I'm so sorry I failed you Sidney and for that I will never forgive myself. You poor boy"

 

Was this a trick? Why was he being nice to him? He was a priest he should despise him for his disgraceful nature. He was disgusting.

 

"Why ever didn't you come to us?" he asked as he got closer so he was knelt down beside him.

 

"It's a sin" he sobbed.

 

"In all the years i've known you Sid have I taught you nothing? People interpret the bible far to literally. There is nothing wrong with you my boy. Nothing at all" he promised "Come on off the floor and let Mrs Mccarthy clean you up then we can talk."

 

He let himself be guided silently from the floor and back to the chair. The tears continued to fall without a sound as his wound were cleaned and clean bandages were wrapped around him.

 

"How long have you known Sid?" Father Brown asked him calmly.

 

"Since I was fourteen" he said trying to wipe the tears off his face and regain some composure. He felt so embarrassed by his behavior now.

 

"You've suffered in silence all that time?" Sid said nothing "And these pills? How long have you been taking them?"

 

"A year maybe. Since I passed out in the shed"

 

"But why Sidney? Why not just come to us?"

 

"Because you are all I have. My Mum didn't want me and you're the only real family i've ever known"

 

"And you think family would abandon you for being a homosexual? Sidney Carter you should know better" Mrs Mccarthy snapped at him swatting him with a tea towel as she went. "Silly boy"

 

He didn't know how to react. They weren't chasing him from the house? Or calling for his arrest?

 

"All we've ever wanted for you was for you to be safe, happy and healthy. Nothing else would matter as long as you were those thing. But you aren't happy and clearly aren't healthy. I'm sorry you felt you couldn't talk to us but we are here for you now"

 

"Here, here Father!" Lady Felicia agreed.

 

"I just wanted to be normal Father. I tried so hard, I did I promise."

 

"You are normal Sid. There isn't anything wrong with you. There never has been" Felicia assured.

 

"Then why does it feel wrong? Why does it make me feel so sick if I so much as look at another man?" he felt angry and scared and so confused. Nothing was making sense anymore.

 

"Because you're hurting Sid. You've been hurting for such a long time. You were to young to deal with something like this on your own but you don't have to be on your own anymore. You have us now."

 

He found himself falling to his knees and wrapping his arms around Father Browns waist seeking the comforting embrace of the man who raised him. "I'm so tired Father" he said into the cloth of his night clothes.

 

"I'm not surprised. To bed with you now." Mrs Mccarthy interrupted "I'll go make up the sofa" she said as she scuttled out the room.

 

"I think it's time I left you now. I'll be back in the morning to check on you Sid. Do try and sleep." Lady Felicia said leaning down to kiss his forehead "Goodnight. Goodnight Father" she said as she quietly left the house.

 

"Come now Sid. You look like you haven't slept in ages. If you need me at any time in the night then you know where I am." Comforting hands helped him stand and guided him slowly to the sofa which had been covered in multiple blankets by Mrs Mccarthy who was stood nearby.

 

"To bed with you now" she said in her matronly way he'd grown so used to in life that it was like a comfort blanket to hear. "We'll talk more in the morning over a cup of tea and breakfast. Get some sleep, you too Father. Come along" she tucked him in on the sofa like she'd done all those months ago and ushered Father Brown out the door returning only to kiss his forehead and turn out the light.

 

There seemed to be a glowing light in the darkness that had been his mind for much of his life.

 

~~

 

He didn't dream that night and woke to the pleasant smell of eggs and bacon being made in the kitchen and the quiet chatter of what must be Mrs Mccarthy and Lady Felicia bickering. He stood up and tugged the blankets tighter around his shoulders to cover his bare chest from the cold nip of the morning air and followed his nose to breakfast.

 

"...a sinner. Of all things" one voice said.

 

"The wounds....breasts....horrible" another voice said but he couldn't make out entirely what they were saying. He pushed open the kitchen door and the room fell silent as his presence became known.

 

"Sidney! You're awake!" Father Brown said cheerfully to him from his usual spot at the table "We were just discussing you. How are you feeling this morning?" he asked

 

"Sore...drained" he said as he gingerly took a seat.

 

"Understandable. Lady Felicia would you kindly tell Sid what your friend told you this morning"

 

She perked up at the request "I spoke to a family friend who is a doctor this morning. I asked about those pills you were taking. Apparently they can really mess with your emotional state and make you very unwell indeed but now you're no longer taking them things should all go back to normal. Though some things may take a bit longer to heal than others..." she explained gesturing to his bandaged chest.

 

Mrs Mccarthy finished dishing out the breakfast she'd been cooking and they sat eating in silence for a while. Sid mostly just picked at his food taking the occasional nibble here and there.

 

"You said you've known you were homosexual since you were 14?" Father Brown asked, breaking the silence. "What happened?"

 

He put his fork down on the plate and looked down at his still mostly uneaten food "I don't know... I guess I just started noticing the other boys my age... I'd hear them talk about girls they liked or had scene on film and the way they talked about them... I never thought of any girl like that...then the dreams started...I thought that's all they were. Just dreams but then I met someone and I thought those thoughts whilst I was awake too. It made me feel so sick."

 

"Why did it make you feel sick?"

 

"Because it's wrong"

 

"How is it wrong?"

 

"Do you remember just after the war ended and the soldiers came back to the village? That fella was found beaten to death with his own pistol in the woods?" he asked

 

"Martin Hanssen. He was only 19 years old. I did his funeral service. Why?"

 

"Do you remember who killed him?"

 

"Mr Langen the butcher and his two eldest boys."

 

"Do you remember what happened to his other son after the murder?"

 

"He was hospitalised. Shell shock"

 

"It wasn't shell shock that put him there. His dad caught him with Martin so he and his sons dragged them out into the woods and made him watch as they beat him to death. Why would they have done that if it wasn't wrong?"

 

"It had nothing to do with Martin or the other boy. They were bad men who killed an innocent boy for entirely selfish reasons." Lady Felicia injected "I remember them both from before they went to war. Sweet little things that would never hurt a fly. Mr Langen on the other hand was a bully and a brute."

 

"Do you think they'd still have beaten him to death if he wasn't like me? If they'd found him with some girl?" she didn't reply.

 

"Sid they will answer to god and god alone for what they've done. It wasn't those boys fault what happened and nothing would've changed it. If god didn't want you to be a homosexual then you wouldn't be one. Its as simple as that. God has a plan for everyone and he's never wrong"

 

"It's a perversion that lead me down a path of sin and disgrace. I did everything to try and block it out...I drank too much...dabbled in drugs...thievery...I even planned to commit the ultimate mortal sin Father. How can you say it's not wrong?" They all seemed stunned at his outburst of confession.

 

"Sid your sexuality had nothing to do with that. You were struggling because you didn't have anyone to talk to about it. It took a toll on your mental health and for that I am sorry. I'm sorry it got so bad that you thought your only option was suicide."

 

"The funny thing is I still don't see any other way out of this. There's no cure for me in this world. Maybe it would be best if I just left it"

 

"Don't you EVER say such a thing again Sidney Carter" Mrs Mccarthy screeched "You belong in this world more than most. You are a good boy who deserves to be happy and I won't hear another word against it! Leaving it, indeed." she said shaking her head.

 

Sid's heart strings tugged as he saw the hurt looks on his friends faces when he mentioned suicide. He hadn't thought about it before what the consequences would be for those he left behind. The hurt he would cause if he left them without a reason. How they would blame themselves for not being able to save him. "I'm sorry"

 

"Don't be sorry. Just don't keep secrets from us in future. We can't help you if you hide it. I know it's hard to talk about things that scare you and I dread to think what might've happened to you if Lady Felicia hadn't barged into your caravan yesterday but the secrecy stops here" Father Brown said with finality.

 

"I have to ask Sid. How did you get the wounds? My friend never mentioned anything about the pills causing wounds..."

 

"I couldn't hide what was happening to me beneath my uniform anymore so I started using rags to hold them down. It got so bad I only took them off to wash and clean the blood up. I couldn't stand the site of them they are so unnatural." he explained as he looked down at the bulges on his chest still barely hidden by the bandages put on him from the night before.

 

"No more of that in future. Wear loose fitting clothes if needs be but don't inflict that pain on yourself anymore."

 

"Yes Lady Felicia"

 

"Good man. Now you are officially off duty until you are all healed up. No working of any kind or I fear Mrs Mccarthy will have an aneurysm from worry."

 

"I need to work"

 

"No you need to heal"

 

"I can't just sit in my caravan all day doing nothing"

 

"Nonsense you aren't going back to that caravan. Father Brown was just talking about you moving back in to his spare room weren't you Father?"

 

"I wouldn't want to intrude"

 

"Sid you spend more time here since you moved out than you did when you actually lived here. It will be a pleasure you have you back under my roof and we can keep a closer eye on you this way."

 

"Are you sure?" he asked.

 

"Of course"

 

Sid could see the light in the dark getting brighter still. How could he have ever questioned their love for him? They'd seen him at his lowest and not even battered an eyelid at it but instead extended a hand of love and friendship to help him back on to his feet. Despite being what he was they still treated him like family.

 

"Thank you" he said with all honesty.

 

~~

 

A few months had passed and just as Lady Felicia's friend had promised the side effects of the pills were starting to wear off. He'd definitely found him self feeling more emotionally stable with the joint effort of not having medication screwing with his mind and not having to hide his troubles in the back of his mind so they could only come out at night. His chest had also healed though wasn't back to being as flat as it should be and still bared deep red scars that Mrs Mccarthy didn't think would ever completely fade.

 

Adding in to the fact he actually could sleep most nights now. It wasn't to say he didn't have bad days anymore. The opposite in fact. Some days after a particularly bad night he'd find himself falling in to pits of self doubt which would overflow into rage tears but every time someone was there to help pick up the pieces.

 

Father Brown had made it his mission to make sure he never felt alone again and would constantly remind him of how proud he was of him and how much they all loved him. Mrs Mccarthy had gone out of her way to provide him with an endless supply of her award winning strawberry scones and other baked goods in an effort to 'feed him up' as she put it. He knew it was her way of making sure he felt loved and cared for and he appreciated it all the more. Lady Felicia always seemed to know when he wanted a listening ear or simply just wanted silent company. When he had bad days she was always there for him to either scream all his worries and fears at or for him to lay with his head on her lap and cry till he fell asleep. Sometimes they'd sit on opposite sides of the room when he couldn't even bare to look at anyone or for anyone to see him but she always made sure he knew someone was there for him.

 

He'd started receiving books under his bedroom door every few weeks. They were all from different eras and genres entirely from tales of ancient greece to modern day berlin but they all featured various tales of homosexuality.

 

He hadn't figured out which of them were leaving the books for him to read but he appreciated the thoughtfulness of the gift and the effects they began to have on his own beliefs about his sexuality. He wasn't okay with what he was by far but it didn't frighten him anymore and he had the faint hope that one day he could find someone to be happy with like the men in the books.

 

The idea of having someone he loved to come home to each day was not something he'd ever imagined himself being able to have but now he couldn't help but believe in the small chance of it being possible.

 

He was sat on the sofa in Father Brown's office whilst he worked on sundays sermon reading one of the books when someone started knocking loudly on the door. The knocks were so harsh that they both found themselves jumping out their skin at the sudden noise that pierced through the peaceful silence.

 

Sid trailed behind the Father has he went to open the door which was still being hammered against with great force. He kept to the shadows of the door frame whilst the door swung open and an elderly woman was stood there with her fist raised as she went to knock again.

 

"Oh Father!" she exclaimed when she realised the door was open. "You have to help me! I don't know who else to turn to!"

 

"What ever is the matter?" he asked the clearly agitated woman.

 

"They've taken him"

 

"Who?"

 

"My grandson!" she cried

 

"Who has taken your grandson?"

 

"I don't know. They came last night with their faces covered and dragged him from his bed. The police won't listen to me they think i'm some batty old woman but it's real father! They took my boy!"

 

"Come in and tell us everything" he said ushering the woman into the kitchen. Sid followed from a distance listening in on the conversation.

 

"Was your grandson in any kind of trouble?"

 

"No! He's a good boy he's never fallen in with the wrong crowd."

 

"Did they leave any clues? A note? Did they say anything when they took him?"

 

"They said they were going to clear up the village of sinners and then they were gone. My boy ain't no sinner Father. He goes to mass every sunday and volunteers at the old folks home three days a week." The old lady picked anxiously at a loose thread on her blouse. "What are they going to do to him Father?"

 

"We'll get him back don't you worry. You go rest up at home in case he comes back on his own."

 

Father Brown led the woman to the door before returning with the look on his face he always got when presented with a new case. "Do you know him?" he asked.

 

"I've seen him around the village. Not my crowd that goody two shoes lot."

 

"Then what would cause such a well behaved young man to be kidnapped in the dead of night?" he questioned to himself. "I think I need to go make some enquiries. I'll be back tonight" he said as he grabbed his hat and brolly and was out the door.  
~~

 

Two days passed with no leads until Inspector Sullivan knocked the door in early hours looking frustrated as the Father let him in to the kitchen whilst still in his night clothes.

 

"I need you to tell me what you've found whilst investigating the missing Morrisons lad" he said.

 

"Finally bothering to solve a crime are you Inspector. Got bored being useless for once have you?" he teased.

 

"Sid" Father Brown warned as the inspector realised he was there and glared before his expression changed to a strange unreadable look before he turned back to Father Brown. "I have to wonder though Inspector. Why the sudden interest?"

 

"Because his body turned up the village square this morning and another man was taken from his bed with a note pinned to his pillow that his boss found when he went to get him up for work" They both sat in stunned silence at the revelation they'd been given.

 

"What was the cause of death?" Father Brown asked.

 

"Their obviously hasn't been an autopsy to determine a clear cause of death but the obvious answers would be either hanging or blood loss from the multiple stab wounds and blunt force trauma."

 

"Jesus Christ"

 

"Blasphemy Sidney"

 

"Sorry Father"

 

"Who has been taken now?"

 

"A friend of the victims. They did volunteering together."

 

"And why do you need my help?"

 

"The contents of the note make it seem a little more like your area than mine Father. Though I'm sure you know that already."

 

"What was in the note?" he asked and Sullivan pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket and slid it across the table which Father Brown picked up to read and Sid watched his face fall. "Ah, I see."

 

"What's it say Father?"

 

"Leviticus 18:22"

 

"Thats..."

 

"Yes"

 

"Shit" He'd know that passage of the bible anywhere. He'd repeated it to himself most nights for half his life.

 

"Perhaps its best the inspector and I discussion this in my office."

 

"Is there a problem? I really don't have time for any of your games right now Father when someones life is in danger"

 

"I want to help Father." he insisted. If people like him were being targeted then he wanted to be part of stopping it.

 

"Are you sure Sidney?" he asked him clearly concerned. The Inspector eyed them both suspiciously.

 

"Is there something going on that I should know about? Do you know something about this case Mr Carter?"

 

"It's nothing Inspector. Perhaps we could continue with our discussion. Do we know of anyone who could hold a grudge against these men?"

 

"well I don't think it takes an interfering priest to figure out why someone might hold a grudge against them." he said gesturing to the note.

 

"No, I guess not"

 

Sid sat there silently as Father Brown and Sullivan discussed and exchanged theories over possible suspects.

 

"Have you questioned the grandmother?"

 

"Yes she knows nothing"

 

"What about the missing boys family?"

 

"None that we could trace. Lived on his own above a shop in the village for the last few years"

 

"What shop?" The Father asked suddenly clearly an idea had struck him.

 

"The tailors. He worked there on weekends."

 

"So he would've been able to see the square directly from his flat.."

 

"I suppose...what are you getting at Father?"

 

"The first victim was found strung up in the square you said. Was he by chance facing towards the tailors shop?"

 

"Yes"

 

"Was there any evidence of a struggle near the window? Could the second victim have been forced to watch the murder of the first before being taken himself"

 

"You're saying this was a threat?"

 

"More of a warning as to what was coming next for him if we don't find him first."

 

"How are we going to find him Father?" Sid asked trying to hide the fear in his voice. "How do these kidnappers even know what the victims 'sins' are?"

 

"Inspector do these men have any connection other than volunteering together? Lovers perhaps?"

 

"It's to early for us to come to any conclusions like that but it would make sense. It still doesn't explain how the kidnappers knew."

 

"Perhaps I should go visit the grandmother and see if she knows anything. A jilted ex lover perhaps out for revenge. It wouldn't be unheard of around these parts."

 

"I'll come with you Father Brown. Don't want you getting yourself in any more trouble than you ususual did" The inspector said "Will you be joining us Mr Carter" he asked.

 

Sid shuffled nervously "Um...nah I think I might sit this one out."

 

"Right well let's get this over with then. We can take my car Father" Sullivan said standing up and walking to the door.

 

"Be right with you. Just need to put on something a little more sensible for the day time." Father Brown called after him and walked towards his bedroom returning a few moments later to wave goodbye. "Are you alright Sid?"

 

"Yeah...no... I don't know... Just a bit shocked is all."

 

"While I'm gone call Lady Felicia and Mrs Mccarthy and tell her what's been going on."

 

"Right you are Father" he said and watched him leave with the door swinging shut behind him. When he was certain neither of them were going to return he made his way into the bathroom to wash and shave and get out of his night clothes. His mind was racing as he looked at himself in the mirror. How did they know that they were homosexuals? Did they know about him? Was there some magical way for other people to tell if someone was a fairy without being told outright?

 

He examined his reflection trying to look for any tell that could give away what he was to others but for all he could tell he looked like a perfectly ordinary man other than is still not entirely shrunken breasts.

 

Shit... He'd forgotten about that when the inspector arrived. He hadn't thought to put on a shirt because he hadn't expected it to be anyone other than Lady Felicia or Mrs Mccarthy at that hour. Then when he'd seen how agitated Sullivan was his mind went straight to the matter at hand. Now the strange look he'd given him made sense. There was no mistaking them for being the symptom of being slightly overweight nor did it explain the thick red scars that circled around him. What if he knew what that meant? What he'd done? What he was?

 

He shaved the rest of his stubble and pulled on the baggiest shirt he owned and quickly made to call Lady Felicia. He dialed the operator and waited to be connected.

 

_"Hullo?"_

 

"Lady F... I need you to come round... there's been a murder and Father Browns gone to investigate...also I think I fucked up really bad and I don't know what to do" he said feeling himself start to hyperventilate.

 

_"Slow down Sidney. A Murder you say? Where?"_

 

"In the square and someone else has been taken...they were like me... they were homos"

 

_"What have we told you about calling yourself such a thing? Look sit tight and call Mrs Mccarthy and we'll be right round."_ she said and the call ended.

 

He dialed for Mrs Mccarthy and she answered straight away.

 

_"Who in heavens is calling at this hour?"_ came the familiar irish lilt from the other end of the line.

 

"It's me Mrs M. Father Brown told me to call you because there's been a murder and another kidnapping." He heard the click of the back door opening in the other room. Father Brown must've returned sooner than expected and forgotten his keys as usual.

 

_"Oh good heavens another one?"_ he could hear two sets of footsteps now. He must've brought the inspector with him.

 

"Lady Felicia said she's coming to pick you up" something shattered in the other room "You alright out there Father?" he yelled into the other room. The footsteps stopped so he shrugged and put the phone back to his ear. "Sorry I think the Father just broke something in the other room. I'd better go check it wasn't the Inspector finally losing his temper" he said and put the phone back on the hook and went to investigate the damage.

 

"Father?" he called into the darkened room "D'you forget your key again? Coulda just knocked rather than breaking into your own house." He looked around for the source of the noise and noticed the broken glass panel in the door frame. Definitely not Father Brown then, he realised. "Whose there? Show yourself"" he yelled into the dark.

 

"Man shall not lie with man as they do with woman for it is forbidden" a familiar voice said from behind him before shocking white pain blinded his vision and everything went black.

 

~~

 

He woke up god knows how much later and his head screamed at him. Every little sound from the echo of rain hitting metal to the sound of breathing was amplified tenfold.

 

He tried to move but found himself bound by the neck and arms to a beam high above him keeping him semi suspended off the ground. He tried to get his bearings for his location from what he could see through his blurred vision. It was dark wherever he was with no natural light coming in at all but there was a definite breeze which meant he couldn't be too far from fresh air which possibly meant he was underground. There was a distinct damp smell on the air mixed with a metallic scent that bit at all his sense.

 

Lamp light appeared in the dark in front of him getting closer and closer. He tried to remain as motionless as possible and keep his breathing steady despite the intense fear building in his chest. The owner of the light source stayed just out of his line of sight making sure the lamp kept him blinded to his surroundings.

 

"Sidney Carter do you know why you are here?" The voice asked. It was the same one that had spoken to him earlier.

 

"Who are you?" he demanded.

 

"We" a different voice said "are your salvation. We've come to cleanse your soul of the sins that burden you"

 

"I ain't got no sins that need cleansing but if you untie me I'm sure I can commit a few before the days out" he said angrily trying to pull at his restraints. A sharp electric shock hit him in the shoulder causing him to seize and writhe in the air.

 

"We know what you are Mr Carter and we've come to save you from eternal damnation. Witness the consequences of not seeking redemption" The second voice said again. He was certain both voices were familiar to him but couldn't place the origin of either.

 

A second shock hit him and he must've passed out as when he opened his eyes again there was another man bound and gagged in the room with him. It was upon seeing the bare and bloodied skin of the other man that he realised his clothes also had been removed.

 

The man looked to be roughly his age with dirty blonde hair that was caked in his own blood with the only visible piece of bare skin on his face being where tears had run down his cheeks. Deep wounds and burns covered most of his body and he seemed to be barely conscious as he hung there.

 

"This creature sought redemption once too and like you he was weak and gave in to the devils seductive ways. He is beyond saving now so we must do the lords holy work by removing this stain on society from existence" the first voice said again.

 

"No...please" the bloodied man begged weekly as a masked man stepped out of the shadows and swung a heavy bar hitting the bound man full force across the skull. Sid could hear the bone shatter from the impact and then man began to violently convulse.

 

"Stop! You're killing him!" he screamed as the man raised the bar again.

 

"We are letting him face judgement in hell for his sins" the second voice said as he too stepped into the light armed with a large blade that he plunged deep into the convulsing man's chest. They continued to stab and hit the man whilst Sid screamed and begged for them to stop till the thing hanging before him was no longer even recognisable as the body of a human being.

 

"What have you done..." he cried weakly.

 

"We followed the good Lords word and punished those who reject his mercy"

 

"No God would condone murder"

 

"It's not murder if its ridding this world of evil Mr Carter. You are also that evil and you will be given a chance to repent or face your punishment in due course." The man with the knife slashed the rope holding the misshapen corpse up and let it fall to the floor with a blood curdling squelch and crack before they both left back into the darkness leaving him alone save for the fresh corpse before him.

 

He hung there for hours with his extremities slowly going numb from lack of circulation and cold. His head was on fire and his shoulder ached where he'd been shocked but it was nothing in comparison to what the other man must've felt. He kept replaying each hit over in his mind till he retched up the contents of his stomach till only bile remained.

 

~~

 

He'd started losing track of how long he'd been hanging there when the men in masks returned carrying a heavy box placing it in front of him.

 

"Are you ready to repent your sins?" one of them said through the black fabric of the mask. "Are you willing to confess to your crimes and beg for the lord's forgiveness?" he didn't say anything so the second man struck him hard across the face with the bar he was holding. Bone crunched and he was certain his jaw was broken as his mouth filled with blood. "Will you repent?" the first man roared at him. Sid spat blood at them in defiance earning himself a strike to the ribs. He screamed in agony as his ribs shattered. "You've had your chance Mr Carter. You leave us no option but hand you over to god to face judgement"

 

"Wha ya doin?" he slurred as they started opening the box.

 

"One by one we will rid this world of sinners. This is just the start of god's plan." one of them said as they pulled an array of painful looking items from within.

 

"Whu've I e' don t you?" he asked wincing from pain and fear as chains were locked tightly around his wrists and he was lifted high into the air and left to hang by his wrists with the floor just out of reach of his feet. "Why?"

 

"Do you deny your sins Mr Carter? Knowing that to lie is one of the worst sins of all?"

 

"whu sin?" he begged "I ain't done nothin"

 

"Do you deny being a homosexual?" Sid gulped down the lump stuck in his throat.

 

"How?" he asked "How d'you know?"

 

"You know what you are is wrong you said so yourself." the first man said.

 

"I ain't said shit to you" he spat

 

"Oh but you have don't you remember? You came to me to cure you of your ills" the situation suddenly dawned on him. This was how they knew what he was. "Ah now you remember. You wanted redemption then didn't you?"

 

The second man spoke up "But then you stopped coming to collect your prescription. You gave up on your redemption" So that's what this was. They were working as a team to collect information on the sins of the town and he'd fallen right into the trap.

 

"Whatever happened to 'do no harm'? You've killed people!"

 

Both men removed their masks revealing the faces of the doctor and pharmacist. "Our vow to do no harm is only in force if its protecting the good of humanity and your kind are a stain on society that needs to be cleaned up." The pharmacist raised the bar again and struck him hard in the knee and Sid screamed with all the strength he had left.

 

The blows continued till his entire body screamed in pain and everything was blurred.

 

"Enough" the doctor said "Let's give him some time to consider redemption once more before justice is served" The pharmacist reluctantly let the bar drop to his side but his eyes glared daggers at him.

 

"Fine" he hissed and stalked out the room.

 

"We will return once you've had time to consider your crimes" and he followed the other man out the room leaving him in complete darkness.

 

~~

 

Somewhere along the line he must've passed out and he was woken by the cattle prod being poked firmly into the small of his back making his whole body shake.

 

"Look at the state of you" the pharmacist hissed from behind him "like a pig waiting for slaughter" he circled around him and Sid tried to use what strength he had to keep his head up so he knew what was coming next but it was no use he was completely drained. He wasn't sure if it was from tiredness or from blood loss or a mix of both plus the pain he was in but suddenly he felt completely helpless. He'd thought maybe if he got the chance he could escape and get help before the men returned but now the only thing keeping him upright were the chains attached to his wrists.

 

"That's all your type are though isn't it? Filthy disgusting animals. Filthy little fairy." he spat as he struck him with the cowprod. "Even got tits like a bird. Is that what your kind do is it? You the sort that likes to wear frilly knickers around the house? Disgusting." he grabbed him by the face and spat on him making him retch.

 

"He thinks you're going to repent you know? I know better. You'd think after three goes at it he'd learn that there's no saving you lot. You're more interested in rogering each other in public lavs or phone boxes aren't ye? Well if there's no saving you then I might as well get to teach you a lesson or two before we send you off to meet your maker." He laughed as he repeatedly took swings at him interchanging between using the cattleprod and the metal bar he had earlier.

 

Every time a blow made him scream the pharmacist would whoop and cheer like he was watching a football match and his team just scored. "Oh I ain't never gonna get tired of that noise" he cackled as Sid sobbed from the pain his whole body was in. "I wonder how I can get you to do it again?" he said aloud pacing as he thought. "oh" he said stopping "Oh I do have some excellent ideas sometime. I think we're both going to enjoy this one"

 

"pl..s.." Sid tried to beg through the pain and tears "Just kill me.." he pleaded. He couldn't stand the pain anymore and he was to scared to imagine what torture was coming next. He'd thought Father Brown would've found him by now if he was looking for him. How long had he even been down here? Hours? Days? Weeks? Time just blended all in to one and he couldn't cope with it anymore.

 

"Oh in good time my boy. All in good time." he circled around him attaching more chains to his ankles so they were spread apart beneath him. "And what a good time this will be" the man said in a sickeningly jovial manner.

 

The man took the cattle prod in hand again and pressed it hard into one of his swollen breasts and held the trigger down making him convulse in his chains as he screamed in agony. The violent nature of his convulsions made him fearful that his arms just weren't going to be able to handle anymore and would shred off leaving him tumbling to the floor. He was shocked again on the other breast this time. The man looked positively gleeful.

 

"ye gerroff n this doncha" he stuttered out as he tried to control his breathing "Some sorta psycho"

 

The mans face instantly went red with anger and Sid knew he'd fucked up and made it so much worse for himself. His only hope that worse would hurry up his death rather than prolong it further.

 

"Right" he growled circling behind him and grabbing him tightly by the neck so Sid couldn't breath "You haven't seen nothing yet faggot" he growled and felt the sharp cold pointed end of what must've been the cattleprod being pressed between his arse cheeks. "Still feeling cocky are you faggot?" he laughed.

 

"No! Please! Not that!" He begged trying to swing away from the man's grasp but it was no use.

 

"Oh but you like it don't you. No trying to deny it Mr Carter lying is a sin remember" he said mockingly and violently thrust the cattleprod inside and Sid screamed from the worst pain he'd ever experienced in his life. His insides felt like they were being torn apart as the sharp metal instrument was forced inside of him. He screamed and cried and begged for it to stop but the man kept a firm grip so it was held in place. "Ah music to my ears" he laughed and switched the prod on.

 

He had thought the pain from the beatings had been bad but nothing could compare to the pain and humiliation of what was currently happening to him. He screamed so loud his voice completely gave out and all he could do is pitifully whimper as his body convulsed and his insides felt like they were being torn apart.

 

It felt like years he was held there with the electric current going through him but it must've been mere seconds if he was somehow still alive but finally the electricity stopped though the prod still pierced his insides and stretched him open so his rim felt like it was on fire.

 

The pharmacist stepped in front of him again and removed a small but clearly very sharp knife from his breast pocket. The reflection of the blade flashed around the room as Sids vision swam.

 

"You not going to sing for me anymore faggot? Taken a vow of silence have we? Well I guess I have no use for you anymore. Now you will stand and face god for your sins." Sids eyes widened in fear as the knife was raised high above the man's head and was brought down hard piercing straight through his stomach. The pain was no longer bearable and he started to fade from consciousness. He'd imagined many horrible ways he was going to die in life but none of them were anything quite on this scale but with the pain he felt from head to toe he welcomed it.

 

Just before his eyes shut for a final time he heard a distant loud bang like a gunshot and everything went black.

 

~~

 

"SID? SIDNEY?? OPEN YOUR EYES FOR ME SIDNEY" a voice yelled through the darkness. If this was god or lucifer he didn't care but they really needed to not yell so loud.

 

He shivered as he suddenly realised how cold he was and that sensation was followed by the intense pain he felt all over.

 

"SIDNEY??" He recognised that voice from somewhere "Sidney my poor boy stay with me alright? Help is coming just hold on"

 

"Far...Fa....er?" he croaked out.

 

"Yes Sidney it's me i've got you. Don't try and move okay?" his voice was cracking like he was crying.

 

"m I dead?" he asked the voice of Father Brown somewhere in the distance.

 

"Not If I can help it. Just lay still." Laying still and going to sleep sounded incredible in that second as a wave of dizziness hit him again. "Quick inspector put pressure on the wound and keep him talking while I go flag down the ambulance. Don't let him fall asleep whatever you do"

 

The pain on his front got worse like someone was repeatedly stabbing him..oh..

 

"Can you hear me Sidney?" Sullivan... "Talk to me Sid come on" he sounded stressed.

 

He suddenly realised his arms and legs were no longer keeping him suspended in the air and he was laying on something cold and wet. He tried to open his eyes but it felt like they were made of lead and coated in needles. "Wha happenin?" he asked.

 

"You've been hurt quite seriously and I need you to lay still and keep talking to me till help arrives"

 

"ow..d..ge...urt" he slurred through the agonizing pain.

 

"I...you... some bad men took you Sidney but Father Brown found you before it was to late."

 

"why?"

 

"...Let's just focus on getting you out of here before we go into details. It might be best that you don't remember right now"

 

"so cold" he croaked. Breathing was getting harder now as the pain and drowsiness increased.

 

"You'll warm up soon Sid. As soon as help arrives just stay with me alright? I think I hear Father Brown coming back just stay with me." he kept talking to him for so long about this and that but the light was fading now.

 

"tired" he whispered and everything faded out again.

 

~~

 

_"Not gonna sing for me anymore faggot?"_

_Pain. Endless, infinite pain._

_"Bet you like it don't you faggot."_

_He's covered in blood now... Father Brown is standing over him with Mrs M and Lady Felicia looking down at him. They look.... angry..._

_"Disgraceful" "Filthy" "sinful" they said repeatedly but their mouths never moved. The pain increased and the voices got louder but still their mouths never moved. Then two hooded figures were above him bringing a sharp knife down towards him._

__

 

He woke up screaming and was blinded by the white light around him. He didn't know where he was as he looked around trying to see through the blinding light.

 

"Sidney calm down you're in the hospital" a voice said but he couldn't tell what direction it was coming from. He panicked and tried to get up but the agonizing pain that hit him made him unable to even lift his head from what he realised must be a pillow.

 

He lay back and tried to count back from ten till his breathing felt relatively normal again though extremely sore.

 

"Sidney do you know where you are?" the voice said again. "Do you know what happened to you?" He still couldn't see through the bright light. He tried to think but his mind kept wandering to thoughts of pain and shocks and...he started hyperventilating.

 

"Nurse!" a female voice yelled...nurse...hospital....pain...suddenly everything that had happened came flooding back to him.

 

He opened his eyes again and slowly the room came into focus. Father Brown was stood over him and suddenly he realised both his hands were being held down. He tried to fight the restraints.

 

"Calm down Sid. You need to stay calm."

 

"Lemme go" he half yelled but realised his face was wrapped tightly in bandages. "Untie me please! I can't take anymore please! I'm sorry!"

 

"Shhh Sid shhh you aren't tied up anymore now son, look. He felt his hand being lifted up and when it came into view he saw it was being held by Father Brown rather than by chains or rope.

 

"And I have your other hand Sidney and I don't plan on ever letting it go" the female voice said again. Mrs Mccarthy.

 

"What did those monsters do to you?" Father Brown said to himself as he looked down at him. "My poor boy"

 

A Nurse scuttled into view with a needle filled with a yellowish liquid in hand "Something for the pain" she said shortly before jabbing it into his arm and scuttling away again.

 

The pain quickly started to fade to a dull ache and he sighed in relief. He looked at his friend above him "I thought you'd given up on me"

 

"Never" he said earnestly and Sid felt a pang of guilt at ever thinking he wasn't looking for him.

 

"How long was I there Father? Where they took me?"

 

"Just over a week. We found out who the murderers were two days in but couldn't find where they'd taken you. We searched the entire village day and night looking for you then the second body showed up. I've never prayed harder in my life that it wasn't you hanging in the square but he had a note pinned to him with another bible quote on it but the paper above that piece had been used to write on before and it left an address which we tracked down till we got names and found you."

 

"I saw him"

 

"Who?"

 

"The tailors boy. They made me watch when... when they..." a tear leaked from the corner of his eye as he remembered the crunching sound of the man's skull caving under the blow.

 

"It's okay Sidney you don't have to talk about any of this till you're ready" Mrs Mccarthy said rubbing his bandaged cheek comfortingly.

 

"They were going to kill me...the pharmacist he...he....the cattleprod....he...I couldn't stop him...hurt so much...I was so scared..." breathing was getting harder as he started to panic again and everything around him went blurry. "Where are they? Did you get him? They'll come for me...They won't stop till I'm dead..."

 

"Breathe Sidney you're safe here. They're dead the both of them. When we arrived the Doctor was waiting at the entrance to the warehouse with a shotgun and shot at us so Inspector Sullivan took him out. We found you with the pharmacist standing over you with a bloodied knife he was going to stab you in the heart but the inspector got there just in time. You'd lost so much blood and your face was so swollen we couldn't even tell you were alive. You weren't breathing and the blood was just pouring out of you. I went to get help whilst the inspector put pressure on your wounds..."

 

"I remember" he interrupted as the memories of that came back. The inspector had kept talking to him till he blacked out. He'd used his words to ground himself every time he thought he was going to slip away for good.

 

_"If I'd've known Sidney... I never... I would've protected you."_ he remembered him saying.

 

_"I would've been kinder... I've listened...understood..helped. We're going to get you out of here and to a hospital just keep your eyes open for me"_ he couldn't remember everything he'd said most of it had just been to keep him listening. He could vaguely remember him talking about the weather at some point but it had worked.

 

_"I recognised what was wrong when I saw you that morning. I did the same thing when I was your age and I thought it was my only option but as I got older I learned that there was nothing wrong with me. I fell in love with an Officer I worked with in London. His name was Arthur and he was beautiful. We were happy in our own little world we had set up in our flat. He taught me I didn't need those poisonous pills to live a good life and life with him was perfect. Then it was taken from us when my father turned up uninvited. He found us in bed together asleep...he was so angry...had Arthur arrested for gross indecency...I tried to get him to drop the charges but there was no stopping that man when he got something in his head. Arthur was sent to jail and I was sent here in disgrace. I wrote to him for months but only ever got one reply just before he was let out telling me it was over and he didn't want to hear from me again. I knew it was my father's work but I couldn't put Arthur in danger anymore by contacting him. I was a coward. I look him up on the records occasionally to see he's well but he's moved on from me now and I suppose that's for the best. One day I hope you are able to find your own Arthur and have the happiness that was taken from me but first we're going to get you out of here."_

 

He can't remember much else after that other than the pain the cold and the never ending tiredness but his confession had comforted him in the moment. Having a kindred spirit with him in what felt like would be his dying moments was more than he'd been expecting just moments before.

 

"Where is he?" he asked his friends.

 

"Asleep on the bench outside where he's been keeping guard for the last week. After discovering who your kidnappers were he's personally vetting every single person who steps foot into this room just in case. Silly man needs a shave, a shower and a hot meal but he won't listen." Mrs Mccarthy said shaking her head solemnly.

 

"Week?" he asked confused. He'd been here a week?

 

"You lost a lot of blood and had emergency surgery to repair the internal damage from the stab wounds and the... other wounds... you've been in a medical coma till this morning where you were allowed to wake up naturally." Lady Felicia explained, her eyes prickling with tears as she clearly thought about what he couldn't bare to.

 

"What's wrong with me?" he asked trying to think back to all the injuries he could remember receiving but from how heavily bandaged he felt there must've been many more. "I need to know"

 

"You had to have part of your intestine removed due to the stabbing and..." Father Brown picked up the board with his medical notes on from the end of his bed "it says here you have a minor fracture on your jaw, three broken ribs, multiple burns across your back, arms, chest and thighs along with a variety of cuts and bruises. You've also got a broken thigh bone and ankle on your left leg and ligament damage in your shoulders from how you were suspended." The Father paused putting the notes down and looking at him sadly "They also had to give you stitches to repair the damage caused by the cow prod."

 

Sid averted his eyes away to stare blankly at the wall and nodded slowly. "Do you want to talk about what happened Sid?" he asked.

 

"I'm tired now" he said, his voice cracking a little. "Can you send the inspector in on your way out?" he sounded cold and from the looks on his friends faces they were hurt by it but understood. He didn't know how to react right now to any of this. His mind was a mess of emotion clouded by pain medication.

 

"Of course" Father Brown said picking up his hat and brolly from the back of the chair. "If you need anything just have a nurse call us and we will back before you can say amen." he patted him gently on the shoulder before letting Lady F and Mrs M kiss him gently on his cheek and they both made for the exit. Father Brown opened the door for the ladies and stepped through the frame himself and said something to someone he couldn't see.

 

Father Brown didn't have time to step aside before Inspector Sullivan rushed past him and into the room letting the door wing shut loudly behind him making Sid yelp in shock.

 

The Inspector stood there looking at him for a while. His face wasn't his usual stern or annoyed expression instead it was soft and worried though rather disheveled. Mrs Mccarthy hadn't been exaggerating about how he clearly needed a shave and a change of clothes given the wrinkled mess of his usually sharp suits and the thick stubble across his jaw. His dark hair stuck up at every angle like he'd tried to comb it with his fingers after waking up and there was the definitive stain of spilled coffee on his shirt collar.

 

"you're awake..."he said finally but still didn't move further into the room.

 

"I owe you a thanks Inspector. For saving me from...them... I can never repay you for that kindness." he said honestly.

 

"You're really awake..." he said again as he finally stepped closer as if he was checking he wasn't hallucinating till he was stood beside his bed. "I was starting to think.... you'd lost so much blood....you're really awake?"

 

"I'm awake" he answered "I think anyway...these painkillers are bloody good stuff."

 

He continued to stand by his bed staring down at him in bewilderment. "You can sit down you know? Don't have to stand on my account. Don't think I'll be doing that any time soon anyhow" The inspector sat into the chair Father Brown had vaccated but continued to stare at him. "You alright?" he asked raising his brow as much as he could under the bandages.

 

That apparently shook him out of his stupor "You're asking me if I'M alright?" he barked out a laugh Sid hadn't expected.

 

"Well you are kind of sitting there like you've seen a ghost or something"

 

"It kind of feels that way. The doctors weren't sure you were going to make it to the hospital from blood loss let alone survive major surgery and a coma. You're a fighter Mr Carter."

 

"Sid, please" he said.

 

"sorry?"

 

"Call me Sid. Mr Carter was my dad and he was a useless bastard. People only call me Mr Carter when I'm in trouble."

 

"Isn't that always?"

 

"oi"

 

"Sorry... Sid... I guess if we are doing first names you should call me by my own... it's Thomas" he said wrinkling his nose as he said it.

 

"uh... never pegged you for a Thomas... figured you'd have something stupid like Horace or Lindsey"

 

"Says the man called Sidney?"

 

"Fair point"

 

They sat there in silence for a good while neither sure what to say to the other. They weren't exactly friends by any means. If anything they were enemies with him being a petty thief and Thomas being a copper. Added to the fact he'd kind of made it his mission in life to wind him up at every opportunity.

 

But he couldn't help but feel affection for the man that had rescued him. Had quite literally killed to save him and then kept him alive until help got there and still didn't leave his side until he knew he was awake. Maybe he wasn't the jumped up copper like all the others that he thought he'd be.

 

"I remember" he blurted out.

 

"hmm?"

 

"What you said to me..about Arthur and your dad and all of that stuff...about being like me..."

 

"Oh"

 

"I'm sorry"

 

"for what?"

 

"For what your dad did to you and Arthur. Must've been hard for you."

 

"I've learned to cope with it" he said shrugging.

 

"Have you though? You seem pretty miserable to me"

 

"Are you trying to counsel me after everything that's happened to you?"

 

"A fucked up person can sense when another person is just as fucked up as he is"

 

"It's different"

 

"How?"

 

"You were literally kidnapped and brutally tortured by two lunatics and were sodomized by a cattle prod. On what planet does having a lover taken away compare to scale of that?"

 

Sid stopped talking then and went back to looking at the blank wall above him.

 

"I'm sorry that was uncalled for" Thomas said finally "I had no right to say any of that to you. I'll go back out into the hall and let you get some rest" he said standing up and turning to go.

 

He didn't even realise he'd done it but his hand shot out and grabbed on to Thomas's sleeve making him stop in his tracks.

 

"Please don't leave" he said quickly "I don't think I can handle being alone right now" he admitted blushing.

 

"I can get a nurse or Father Brown? Someone who won't stick their foot in it?" he offered but didn't try and pull out of his grasp.

 

"What good will they be? The nurses are to busy to care and Father Brown couldn't ever understand even though he'd try."

 

"and I do?"

 

"More than you seem to realise"

 

"I don't understand"

 

"I'm scared to sleep because of what my dreams will say" he admitted "I'm also scared that this is all a dream and I'm still back there with the worst of it all yet to come."

 

"They're dead they can't hurt you anymore"

 

"I know and for that I'm eternally in your debt but you and I both know they aren't the only men out there wanting to do that to people like me...us"

 

"No one's going to hurt you ever again Sid you have my word on that."

 

"Don't promise something like that when you can't keep it" he warned.

 

"I know the pain you must've been in to take those pills Sid. I did it myself many years ago and I know the damage it does to you physically and mentally. I also know how far you have to fall to be willing to try something like that. But I met someone who helped me realise I was normal and you haven't had that. You have friends yes but they can't understand properly what it's like to feel like such an outsider. I had Arthur to help me through the pain till I recovered from what I did and I will be damned if I'm going to let anyone else fall that far again. So yes Sid I can promise that and I will keep it to my dying breath." His tone was serious and he shifted his jacket sleeves uncomfortably drawing Sids eyes to his actions.

 

"How far did you fall?" he asked cautiously.

 

"It's not important anymore"

 

"How far" he asked again. Thomas sighed and pulled back the sleeves he'd been adjusting to reveal a dark vertical scar going down his wrist. "oh" he said as he lifted his hand to trace along the scar.

 

"We both have scars we wished we didn't Sid but they can both be kept in the past where they belong."

 

They again sat in silence although this time not as awkward as before. Slowly Sid found himself relaxing in the man's presence and he started to drift off to sleep.

 

~~

 

He awoke a few hours later from a dreamless sleep to the feeling of pressure and warmth beside his hip. The warmth moved and their was the loud clink of a chain hitting the floor.

 

All the oxygen escaped his lungs in a flash and he tried to move but couldn't He knew he must've been dreaming being free. He was still chained up in that awful place. The warmth he was feeling now joined by a wet sensation must've been the blood pooling down his side.

 

He tried to gasp for air but felt like he was being dragged down beneath the ocean and only water filled his lungs.

 

"Sid?" a voice called to him "Sid listen to my voice. You are in the hospital and you are safe. You were sleeping and my keys fell from my jacket pocket. Try and even your breathing for me Sid" it was Thomas talking to him. He counted out loud for him to control his breathing till he was able to focus on the room around him. "Back with me?" he asked and Sid nodded nervously.

 

He looked at where he'd felt the warm pressure that scared him and saw the bundled up jacket Thomas must've been using as a pillow till his keys fell out. His cheeks started to blush red as the embarrassment of his reaction hit him.

 

"Can you get the nurse?" he asked shyly not looking the man in the eye.

 

"Have you pulled your stitches out? Are you in pain?" Thomas asked quickly looking him over for sign of blood and his eyes locked on the wet patch appearing on the crotch of his blankets. "oh." he said "I'll go get her right away" he said and rushed from the room.

 

Moments later a nurse pulling a cart full of clean bedding walked into the room and quietly cleaned him up and left without a word. Thomas came back in afterwards and took his seat again beside him. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to cause you panic" he offered as Sids face remained beat red from shame. "It's nothing to be ashamed of" he said when he saw how red his cheeks were "It happens to people for a lot less than what you've been through. It's not a sign of weakness to be afraid"

 

"I'm not afraid" he said stubbornly.

 

"I would be" Thomas said honestly and Sid couldn't think of what to reply so said nothing.

 

Eventually he plucked up the courage to speak again "How did you know?" he asked.

 

"Know what?"

 

"That you like... are like me..." he said. He couldn't bring himself to even say the word anymore.

 

"ah... well I was 16 I suppose when I knew for certain. I was changing back into my school uniform along side a friend of mine. He asked me if I'd ever kissed a girl before and I said no so he asked if I'd ever kissed a guy before and again I said no but then he asked me if I wanted to and I was shocked so denied it. He then told me that he'd thought about kissing me before and asked if I wanted to try it just to see. We were completely alone in a locked room and I was intrigued so I said yes. God I was so nervous when he got closer to me" he said and Sid watched his facial expression change to a smile as he reminisced. "He put one hand on the side of my face to cup it and I held my breath I was so scared but then his lips touched mine and it was like fireworks. It just felt right like nothing in my life had before. Eventually he pulled back and both our faces were red and...he..." he stopped talking and looked away.

 

"He what?" Sid prompted telling him to go on with what he was going to say.

 

"He asked if i'd ever seen another mans penis before"

 

"had you?"

 

"No"

 

"So what happened?"

 

"This really isn't appropriate someone might hear" Thomas said in an attempt to change the subject.

 

"It's the middle of the night and we're in a side room with not even a nurses station for two whole wards."

 

"Fine. He asked if I wanted to see his and I said yes"

 

"You old dog"

 

"Shut up or I won't tell you the rest" he said and Sid mimed zipping up his lips and throwing away the key. "He pulled the front of his shorts down and showed me his penis and then he asked if he could see mine and I agreed."

 

"You make it sound so romantic"

 

"Fine story time over"

 

"Okay okay I'll stop taking the piss" he promised and Thomas glared at him but continued.

 

"We sat there for a while just looking at each other to scared to make a move then I asked if I could touch him and he said yes so I touched it and it started to swell in my hand and the more I touched it the bigger it got so I started to stroke him and he reached out to return the favour. I'd never felt anything like it in my life at the time. It was so much different than masturbation the sensation was so much more intense when you were at the mercy of others intentions. We continued stroking each other until we both ejaculated then he quickly tucked himself away and told me if I ever told anyone what happened he'd kill me. Never spoke to me again after that" he said shrugging "never told a soul till Arthur and now you, just didn't feel right. But it lead to my discovery of the fact I felt no desire for the fairer sex and instead admired my fellow students in a more than friendly manner and started me on a dark path. What about you? What lead to your awakening?" he asked curiously.

 

"Rugby shorts" he said blushing "very tight rugby shorts"

 

Thomas grinned wickedly "Oh I can imagine how that would awaken homosexual desires. I never could resist a strong pair of thighs either."

 

"You don't get a choice but to resist when you're thirteen and live with a priest. Least I thought I didn't"

 

"You questioned whether Father Brown would still care for you if he knew what you were? I've never doubted in my mind that if he were to know about me he'd be nothing but accepting of me. He is the most peculiar priest i've ever met."

 

"He is that alright but I was young and scared at the time. You've seen by records you know what my life was like before I came to Father Brown. I didn't want to risk losing the only family that ever loved me."

 

"What made you tell him in the end?" he asked "He certainly knew about it all when you were taken so what changed?"

 

"Didn't get a choice did I? Stupid pills made it obvious" he glared raising a bandaged arm to pat at his chest making him hiss in pain from his ribs.

 

"How did Father Brown notice those? I can't imagine he's one to look at anyone in any state of undress"

 

"He isn't. I was using rags to bind them down but they cut into my skin and got infected and made me really sick. I was a complete mess by the end of it all and was planning on taking my own life but all the time I thought I was hiding my shame they had known something was wrong and were trying to find the right time to approach me. I was in my caravan cleaning my wounds one night when Lady Felicia showed up on a mission. She saw everything and I gave up and told her everything. She never judged me just made sure I got to Father Browns where she knew I'd be safe and loved. Moved back in with the Father soon after."

 

"So that's the cause of your scar. I did wonder. I had figured I didn't take my pills as long as you as I didn't develop to quite the scale you have when you've not been taking them for a year now and you're still bigger than I was but I couldn't see how that would cause the scarring"

 

"Probably would've looked worse if it wasn't for Mrs M and her potions healing me so well."

 

They smiled at each other in the darkness of the hospital room. Sid found himself almost forgetting what he'd been through as he enjoyed the patient comfort of the conversation.

 

"Did you ever meet anyone before your secret was discovered?"

 

"Tried to be with girls a few times but it just felt wrong" he shrugged and Thomas scrunched up his nose in disgust at the thought of sleeping with a woman.

 

"Ew"

 

"I think I'd rather eat Lady F's cooking again before so much as kissing a girl again." he joked and Thomas laughed.

 

"I won't tell her you said that"

 

"Oh she knows"

 

"So there's been no one? No teenage trists or back alley hookups?"

 

"I was an abandoned kid living with a priest convinced he was going to burn in the fiery pits despite being agnostic who stopped going to school at a young age and never had enough friends my own age to have a summer romance with. So no theirs not been a soul." he found himself going red again. He'd not thought of it much before that he was a grown man who'd never so much as kissed someone he was attracted to let alone gone further. "Why are you asking anyway?"

 

"You asked me first" Thomas said defensively.

 

They discussed this and that for the last few hours till the sun rose and shone through the window and the hospital seemed to come alive again with the bustling nurses changing dressings and orderlies transporting patients as the Doctors did their rounds. One of the doctors came into his room to check his stitches for signs of infection. The first time the man tried to touch him he flinched away without even realising he'd done it.

 

"I'm not here to hurt you Mr Carter" the man said.

 

"Didn't think any doctors were meant to hurt people but that proved not to be the case" he snapped looking at the man towering over his bed with caution.

 

"Doctor I'm sure you have been made aware of the ordeal Mr Carter has been through and why your being here could cause him significant unease." Thomas said creating a human shield between Sid and the doctor.

 

"I understand Inspector but I still need to treat my patient"

 

"Stand down Inspector it's okay. Just made me jump is all" he said putting his hand on his sleeve like he'd done the night before. Thomas backed down and let the doctor get back to his work and within minutes was done.

 

"You should be released into the care of your family within the next few days. You will be on strict bed rest till you are fully healed and your cast and stitches have been removed. The nurses will talk you through the diet you must follow for at least six weeks whilst your body adjusts to your shortened intestines. Shall I have a nurse notify your wife to your impending release?"

 

"Be quite a trick if you can manage it"

 

"I'm sorry?" The doctor asked confused.

 

"The wife.. don't have one."

 

"Mother then?"

 

"Nope"

 

"Then whom shall you be staying with whilst you recover?"

 

"Father Brown I guess" he shrugged. He hadn't thought about it any but he couldn't imagine he'd have any objection to him going back there nor would Mrs Mccarthy miss out on the opportunity to fatten him up when he can't run away.

 

"Jolly good I'll have him telephoned" he said making a note of it on his chart and leaving to continue his rounds.

 

"Good news I guess. I bloody hate hospitals"

 

"It was the main reason I never became a doctor when I chose my career" Thomas said

 

"You were going to be a doctor?" he asked curiously.

 

"I had only two career options so much as suggested to me as a child. Join the police force like my father or the medical profession like my grandfather. Hospitals are depressing places so I chose the option where I could still help people but didn't have to spend my days around blood and death."

 

"And here's me who'd be lucky to even get a job as day labourer or caretaker"

 

"You have a job already you drive Lady Felicia around" Thomas pointed out.

 

"Not done that in months"

 

"She fired you? Why?"

 

"It wasn't like that. Just wasn't up for it anymore. Spent most of the last year hidden in dark rooms at the rectory"

 

"Why?"

 

"Because I had convinced myself I was a monster who should be neither seen nor heard. I'd given in to my weaknesses and they scared me."

 

"You really find it that hard to accept what you are?"

 

"You don't?"

 

"Once maybe but I guess deep down I always knew that if what I felt was as wrong as I'd convinced myself it to be then it wouldn't be something that existed in the first place but it does and what could ever be wrong with love."

 

"If it weren't wrong then why isn't it a normal part of society? Why can't two men get married like men and women can? Why can't we adopt children and have the same benefits husbands and wives have?"

 

"Because humanity is stuck in its ways and always has been but things will change. They have to unless we find ourselves in a recurring pattern of war and hatred."

 

"You put to much faith in other people"

 

"You don't have enough"

 

Sid scoffed.

 

Moments later an orderly bustled through the door with a tray of the blandest looking food he'd seen in his entire life. Even when he'd had to pretend to be a priest the food had more colour to it then the slop placed before him.

 

He spent several hours picking at it without actually taking a bite. He was in the midst of attempting to reheat the slop with the power of disgust when the silence in the room was broken by the sound of Thomas's stomach rumbling. "You want this?" he asked pushing the tray towards him.

 

"I don't think that's actually food"

 

"Then go get something else to eat and bring me something back whilst you're at it. When was the last time you ate anway?"

 

"I had a scone off Mrs Mccarthy yesterday" he said as his stomach rumbled again.

 

"Not that i'm not grateful but why are you here? Mrs Mccarthy said you've been out there the entire time giving everyone the third degree. Why?" he asked. He couldn't see why he'd want to wait around for him especially when he wasn't even sure he was going to wake up again let alone survive. Also they weren't exactly friends before all this so why did he suddenly care now? Was it pity? Guilt?

 

Thomas looked like he was trying to figure that out for himself as he looked for an answer. "I don't know" he eventually said "It just didn't feel right to leave you here. When I saw you hanging there in that room I thought I was too late to save you when you'd've never been taken to begin with if I had only listened to that woman about her missing grandson. People died because I was too set in my ways to admit I might be wrong." so it was guilt. "In my entire life as part of the police force i've never seen anything quite like what happened to you and those boys. Even during the war I never saw such barbaric treatment from one human to another. It's entirely my fault."  
"Don't say that. Don't you dare say that. It's not your fault what happened if blame needs to be placed on anyone but those bastards then it belongs firmly on me. If I'd not taken those stupid pills and instead of spoken to Father Brown or someone else other than that doctor then none of this would've happened."

 

"You can't blame yourself either. How were you to know what they were doing? You weren't to know"

 

"I've spent my entire life blaming myself. For my mother not wanting me and all of my family abandoning me. For never being good enough for anyone else and for being a fairy. Blaming myself is what I do."

 

"But you shouldn't. Sid you're innocent in all of this."

 

"You and I both know I've never been innocent."

 

"You know what I meant"

 

"It's all karma though isn't it? A life of me taking things from others so I get taken then a life of being a queer so he.....he...I...I didn't....I....It's my fault..." his eyes prickled as tears threatened to fall.

 

"Sid don't do this to yourself. Don't try and rationalise what happened by blaming yourself. You are never to blame for the actions of others" Thomas took his hand in his and gripped it firmly "It should never have happened but you aren't to blame. Never."

 

"Then why does it feel like it is? Why do I keep replaying their words in my head? What they did to me? Is that ever going to go away? Why won't it go away? I just want it out of my head" he begged as the tears fell.

 

He couldn't look the other man in the eye as he begged and pleaded for it to be over. Any time his mind was left to do its own thing it went straight back to what happened and it was driving him mad. He tried to raise his arms up so he could beat the memories from his head but Thomas grabbed his hand and held on.

 

"Look at me Sidney" Thomas said in a calm voice as he held tight to him with one hand and used the other to cup his face "I can't make what happened go away and I can't even begin to comprehend what you've been through but I will be there for you through it all. I'm sorry I never gave you a chance before and just took you for your record and nothing more but I know now that you are a good man who is kind to even those who don't deserve it. When we were looking for clues Father Brown would tell us stories of things you'd done, the good and the bad. He's so proud of you Sid. And Mrs Mccarthy adores you like no other. She said she missed the days when you would crowd into her house with a million questions and she could teach you the lessons her mother taught her. Lady Felicia said you brought a spark back into her life that had been missing for years. Every single person in your life adores you Sid and they want to take care of you and get you through this."

 

"I don't know if I can"

 

"You can I know it. You're so strong to survive what you have and I don't just mean this incident, I mean everything."

 

Thomas used his thumb to wipe the tears from his cheek rubbing gently in soft circles so as not to cause him pain. It was a nice feeling having the comforting warm hand there like it was protecting him.

 

"I'm really tired but I'm scared to shut my eyes again" he whispered as he finally looked Thomas in the eyes.

 

"I'll stay with you"

 

Sid got a sudden rush to be bold "Would you do me another favour?"

 

"Name it"

 

"Lay with me...I won't feel alone and it would mean you not being cramped up on that chair. Just until Father Brown gets here?"

 

"I don't want to accidentally hurt you Sid"

 

"I think I've had enough pain killers I won't feel anything for a month you won't hurt me" he reassured. He used his free hand to grab hold of the railing on the far side of the bed and pull himself up against it giving room to the inspector. It wasn't much and it wouldn't be the most comfortable nights sleep ever but it must be better than having to squeeze his tall frame into a tiny hospital sofa.

 

"If you want me to move at any point don't hesitate to wake me" he said as he gingerly climbed onto the gurney beside him. A chill went down Sid's spine that didn't feel like it was from the cold morning air. He shrugged it off and sunk down into the pillow.

 

"Thank you" he said as his eyes shut "for being here"

 

"Nothing to thank me for. Just get some sleep"

 

Feeling that rush of boldness again he linked his fingers with Thomas's and waited to see if he'd pull away. When he didn't he finally drifted off into a much needed sleep. He didn't open eyes to see the small smile on the inspectors face as they drifted off hands entwined.

 

~~

 

They were woken by the sound of a cough trying to get their attention. He peaked open one eye and saw Father Brown standing there with a wheelchair and a grin on his face.

 

"Good morning Sidney. I gather you've been told you can come home today?" he said in his usual jovial manner.

 

"Mornin Father" he replied wiping the sleep dust out of his eye. It was then he realised that his head was no longer on his pillow but on something firmer and much warmer. He lifted his head to see Thomas slowly start to wake up and get his bearings. "Morning" he said to him with a sideways glance to point out the other person in the room.

 

"Good morning Inspector. I hope you both slept well" Father Brown said merrily "Glad to see you no longer bugging out in the hall. I'm glad you're here actually inspector I was hoping to ask you a favour" Sid and Thomas both looked at each other slightly confused at the fact Father Brown didn't seem at all surprised to find them lying in the same hospital bed just under twenty four hours after he awoke from a medically induced coma.

 

"How can I help?"

 

"We wouldn't possibly be able to make use of your car could we? Lady Felicia's car isn't exactly roomy enough to fit Sid and his cast in there at once"

 

"You calling me fat Father?"

 

"No but you will be when Mrs Mccarthy is done in the kitchen when we get you back."

 

"Strawberry scones?"

 

"And more" Both his and Thomas's stomachs grumbled at the mention of Mrs M's cooking. "So we best be getting you back before she can start on anything else. Inspector?" he said waiting for his reply.

 

"Of course. I'll bring it to the front of the hospital right away" he said almost leaping out of bed and fleeing from the room.

 

"Can Thomas stay for breakfast Father?"

 

"Thomas?" Father Brown asked raising an amused eyebrow.

 

"Inspector Sullivan. He's not eaten in ages and he did technically save my life I'm pretty sure that qualifies being allowed to taste Mrs M's cooking"

 

"Of course 'Thomas' can" Father Brown said "I'm sure Mrs Mccarthy's cooked enough food to feed several small armies by now. Come on let's get you into this chair. Steady with you now" he said as he helped Sid slide from the bed to the wheelchair.

 

As promised when they got outside Thomas was waiting for them at the doors. "And I thought I was the chauffeur" he teased.

 

"Well you look better in the uniform at least" he replied then went bright red and turned round to open the car door without looking either of them in the eye.

 

Father Brown leaned down so he was level with his ear "Behave Sidney Carter."

 

"He said it not me"

 

Father Brown stood back up shaking his head in amusement and wheeled him up to the car door so they could both help get him inside comfortably laying across the back seat.

 

"All set?" Thomas asked after he and Father Brown climbed in the front "Right let's get out of this place" he said as he started the engine and drove down the lane back towards Kembleford.

 

~~

 

It only took about twenty minutes of steady driving to get from the hospital back to the cottage and Sid was pretty certain he'd dozed off for most of the journey as he enjoyed the calming rumble of the engine and Father Brown and Thomas talking in front of him.

 

Mrs Mccarthy was waiting for them in the kitchen when they pushed him into the house. A cup of tea was instantly placed in front of him followed quickly by an entire plate of scones which he didn't hesitate to pick up and start eating.

 

"Right I'll leave you to settle in Sidney. I best show my face at the station for a little while then go find some clean clothes to wear" Thomas said from where he stood beside him.

 

Sid was going to object and tell him to stay a little longer but Mrs Mccarthy got there first "Nonsense! You sit down this instance and have something to eat." she tugged him firmly by the arm and pushed him down into the chair beside Sid and put another plate of treats down in front of him.

 

"I really ought to be going"

 

"Inspector I really don't think you should even try arguing with her when she's in her matronly mode. It really won't do any good" Lady Felicia smirked from her spot at the table.

 

Sid watched as he eyed the treats before him and finally gave in to his hunger and swallowed them down quickly followed by a steaming cup of tea. Mrs Mccarthy stood behind Father Brown looking very pleased with herself over how her cooking had gone down.

 

"That was delicious Mrs Mccarthy and I thank you all for your hospitality but I really should be going. If it's okay with you Sidney...I'd like to pop in before work tomorrow and see how you're doing?" he said sounding shy.

 

"i'd like that" he said yawning with it.

 

"Well I guess I will see you then" he stood up and walked towards the door giving Sid's shoulder a squeeze as he passed. Sid took the opportunity to put his hand over his and squeeze it back making the man stop in his tracks and look down at him.

 

"I meant what I said last night Thomas. Thank you" he told him with all honesty and the Inspector gave him a small smile and left.

 

"Sidney Carter since when are you on first name terms with the inspector?" Lady Felicia said grinning from ear to ear. Mrs Mccarthy shook her head muttering something about the 'youth of today' making the rest of them laugh.

 

~~

 

Thomas had come back to visit the next morning bringing with him a battered copy of a book which he'd handed over and said how he thought Sid might like it as it was his favourite book since he was a boy.

 

Sid had spent the entirety of the day reading through it and getting lost in a magical world of Hobbits and Elves and Dwarves battling Dragons and Trolls and other strange creatures. When Thomas returned a day later he came with a stack of three new books fresh from the book shop and wrapped neatly in paper.

 

Apparently the author had released a sequel to the Hobbit and Thomas had them on back order so he could read them all in one go when the third and final book was released. He'd brought them round to ask that since he had enjoyed the hobbit so much whether he would like to read them together.

 

Sid had agreed and that evening Thomas had returned and sat on the foot of his bed reading the books allowed to him. It became a pattern for almost every day for several weeks to read through a chapter each night together then discuss what they thought was going to happen next or what their favourite characters had done that chapter.

 

They both quickly came to the conclusion that Samwise Gamgee was the best character in the book and Thomas had to flick Sid's hands away on several occasions to stop him reading ahead to find out how Sam's story ended.

 

Somewhere along the weeks as Sid found himself getting stronger and able to move around more on his own it had resulted in them both sat back on his bed together with hands laced between them as Thomas read aloud from the books.

 

That had been another thing to change as well. A discussion on names stemmed from the book had lead to Sid christening Thomas with the nickname of Tom or Tommy with the excuse of him being the Sam to his Frodo.

 

Lady Felicia hadn't let him hear the end of it since she found out.

 

Soon the visits had become more than just meeting to read and they started to talk. At first it was mostly Tommy that did the talking but slowly Sid found himself engaging in the conversation without even realising.

 

Tom told him about things going on in the village that he'd missed or what cases he was working on. He didn't try and treat him like an invalid or like he was made of glass for which he was eternally grateful. He'd snapped on more than one occasion at Father Brown or Mrs Mccarthy when the stress of what had happened bubbled over and he snapped at them. He'd then spend the rest of the day feeling awful even though they understood he didn't mean anything he said at the time.

 

Tom's company had become a comfort to him and he found himself able to open up to him like he'd never been able to before. He wasn't afraid to cry in front of him nor admit when he was afraid. Tom would just listen and hold him as he cried until he couldn't anymore and then he'd let him babble on about what was nagging at him and talk him through everything till he was able to calm down enough to sleep. Sometimes if he'd had a particularly bad day Tom would still be there holding him when he woke up the next morning. He never made judgement on him for being broken but he sure was helping to piece him back together.

 

~~

 

Spring was in the air on the warm saturday morning and Sid hadn't long had the cast off his leg after months of it not healing properly but had been given the all clear to at least sit in the garden occasionally now. He was getting sick of being cooped up in the cottage all day and longed to feel the fresh air on his face again or watch the clouds race across the blue sky.

 

It was Father Brown who suggested they set up a picnic on the patio and for him to invite Tom round seeing as it was his day off and he would've popped in at some point anyway.

 

So that was the start of how he ended up laying on the warm grass with his head resting on Tom's chest as they gazed up at the sky together.

 

Father Brown, Mrs Mccarthy and Lady Felicia were all sat back up on the patio talking and pretending they weren't watching their every move like overzealous parents watching their teenager daughter go off for her first date.

 

It had started when he'd asked if Tom would help him get down the hill onto the main grass so he could feel the freshly cut blades of grass between his toes when he'd completely and totally accidently stumbled when his bad leg gave out beneath him as it had done many times before and Tom had held him up with strong arms and helped him sit gently on the grass.

 

Once they were both comfortably seated on the ground Tom had taken off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and laid the jacket out behind them so they could lay on it.

 

"Why do I feel like I'm in a film right now" he'd said to him after he'd slipped an arm around his shoulders and guided him to lay against his chest.

 

"What sort of film"

 

"A sappy one from the yanks"

 

"Well it's nice to know i'm appreciated" he deadpanned so Sid had poked him in the ribs and told him that maybe sappy was nice.

 

He wasn't sure of what he felt for Tom just yet but it felt like he had butterflies fluttering around in his stomach whenever they were together. Even if he'd had a bad day where he'd spent it shut away in a dark room and couldn't bare any kind of socialisation even if it was just thanking Mrs Mccarthy for a cup of tea, when Tom would come round he'd feel like smiling again.

 

"It's nice out here. I don't think I've appreciated the views you get here in the countryside before. In London it's just smog and buildings and noise everywhere. You don't get to enjoy the small things like a clear blue sky or the birds singing or the smell of the flowers and grass. Of course the people help to"

 

"I've not been in London since I was small so I don't remember anything but the sound of the air raid sirens going off at night." he said as he breathed in the fresh smell of the grass beneath them.

 

"I forgot you were born in London. Do you ever think about going back?"

 

"Kembleford is my home it's all i've ever known really. Sure it can be boring sometimes and it doesn't have endless amounts of things going on like the city would but it has heart and charm that I wouldn't be without" he said as he nestled back further into Tom's embrace "I like it here"

 

"I never expected to hear you describe something so poetically Sidney"

 

"Don't mock me. May not have been to a fancy school like you but it doesn't mean I'm stupid or I can't be poetic sometimes." he laughed poking him in his side.

 

"I'd never think you stupid" Tom said with a serious face that Sid tried very hard not to laugh at. He'd grown to recognise the way Tom wouldn't always get the social cues most people understood and would take things a little too seriously sometimes. Sid found it endearing and more than a little bit funny especially when he'd put his 'serious policeman' mask back on if he thought he had offended someone.

 

"I know that. Was only teasing"

 

"oh"

 

"So what is your favourite thing about being down here since you moved? Mrs M's scones aren't a valid answer as that goes without saying"

 

Tom sat deep in thought gazing up at the clouds that passed overhead slowly on the breeze.

 

"Tommy?" he asked him after he didn't reply for a while which shook him out of his daydream.

 

"Sorry?" he asked

 

"I said what's your favourite thing about living here now." he asked again.

 

The older man sat up slightly so he could lean with his head on his hand facing him and slid his other hand so it was placed gently on Sid's chest. "You" he said with a mix of his serious expression and a warm smile on his face. "Getting to know who you are and all the things you've taught me about being a better person over these past few months. I wasn't exactly making friends in this village before you and now I feel welcomed into your little circle." So this is what it felt like to have your heart melted, Sid thought to himself.

 

"Soppy" he said smiling shyly up at the older man. He let his gaze wander over the man's face from is tanned skin and pale blue eyes to the always precisely styled brown hair on his head. Everything about him was beautiful right down to his slightly crooked nose broken one to many times chasing down criminals. "Can't say I'm happy about the circumstances in how this all came about, complete opposite in fact. And I won't say I wouldn't take it all back if it meant what started all this didn't happen..."

 

"I'd never ask you to"

 

"I know but let me finish. But if all this had to happen I'm really glad I got to get some happy memories out of all of it. I'm screwed up in here and I know it" he said tapping his skull by the scar those men had left "and I probably always will be to some degree cos I was messed up long before this happened but with you i've got to be happy again to the point i've actually thought about the future. Never in my life have I done that before because I never thought I'd make it that far ahead. You've taught me how to be alive again by saving me from death."

 

"You'd've done it on your own eventually" Tom pointed out.

 

"Maybe so but you helped get me there sooner Tommy and I will never stop being grateful."

 

"I don't deserve gratitude for doing something anyone would do"

 

"Oh for god's sake. Tommy nobody and I mean literally no one has even attempted to get to know me in my entire adult life. Not only that but they haven't shown any interest in caring about me in any way shape or form either let alone running into a building you know has two murderers inside that want you dead just for loving who you love..."

 

"But Father Brown..."

 

"Are family it's different with them it's more like an obligation with them..."

 

"I don't think they'd see it that way"

 

"Just trust me it's different. You did it purely out of being a good person not because you had to. You didn't have to wait around in the hospital for me to wake up when even Father Brown was going home to his own bed each night. You didn't have to remain at my side despite knowing I was awake and physically okay but you did and not only that you comforted me despite me being a complete mess because I was more scared than I've ever been in my life. Every noise sounded like my world was about to end because they were coming back and you didn't judge me once. You let me prattle on about nonsense because I needed to talk but didn't know how to get out what I wanted to say and you listened to every word of it. And even after all that and I was back home and getting better you still came to visit most days but never made it seem like you were doing it because you felt obligated to but because you honestly wanted to." he ranted "Why can't you just accept that maybe just maybe someone can be grateful for you just being in their lives? Or just because they love you?" shit. So that's what all this meant after all.

 

"You love me?" Tom asked with a furrowed brow.

 

"Don't even pretend you didn't know"

 

"I didn't though..."

 

"You are unbelievable. How did you and Arthur even end up together if you can't even notice when someone has fallen in love with you?" he demanded feeling slightly embarrassed by his outburst.

 

It was Tom's turn to blush "Things didn't exactly start out with any romantic attachments. That started a good deal later"

 

"Yeah well I didn't even have a name for what I felt for you until my brain and mouth got into an argument and did their own thing just then"

 

"They seem to do that a lot"

 

"More than you could believe"

 

"Its cute and one of the things I love about you"

 

"Did you just say I'm 'cute'...wait what?" he stopped in his ranting.

 

"I said it's one of the things I love about you"

 

"What.." he lay there with his jaw hanging open as Tom looked down at him with eyes full of laughter.

 

"Would you like me to write it down for you?"

 

Sid shook himself out of his trance like state "You love me?"

 

"Yes"

 

"Why?"

 

"Now who's the one refusing to accept that someone may love them"

 

"But no one ever loves me"

 

"You don't even know how wrong you are" he said then looked up at the patio to see if any attention was being paid to them. "Can I kiss you Sidney?" he asked and Sid held his breath looking at the handsome older man above him.

 

"I suddenly feel like a school kid" he blushed

 

"I won't if you don't want me to or if its to soon"

 

"No I want you to... It's just...Never kissed a bloke before"

 

"Do you want to?"

 

"Yes" He watched as Tom slowly leaned in closer till their lips were separated by a mere breath of air as he looked into his eyes for any sign of fear. Sid took the opportunity from the pause to reach up and cup his jaw in his hand pressing their lips together in the lightest of kisses which made his heart flutter against his rib cage. There was nothing to the kiss but simple affection, there was no seeking of something more than what it was. An innocent first kiss just like in those soppy yank movies Lady Felicia would make him go see with her one to many times for his liking.

 

It didn't last long in real time but in the moment it lasted an age that Sid would've been happy to stay in forever.

 

"Hey" Tom said as he pulled away

 

"Hey"

 

"you okay?" he asked as he stroked his cheek with the back of his hand.

 

"I think so" He didn't know what he was right now but none of what he was feeling was bad. Was it bliss? Love? Affection? Fear? All of the above? He couldn't tell and he didn't care to overthink it all to find out. "Never thought my first kiss i'd enjoy would be with a copper in front of a priest, an old lady and landed gentry but I've never been one to do things by halves"

 

"Never thought I'd fall for someone again after Arthur and certainly not a criminal at that"

 

"Well they do say opposites attract" a voice said from the patio and they looked up to see Father Brown chuckling to himself whilst Lady Felicia practically wept with excitement and Mrs Mccarthy looked scandalised.

 

"Kinda forgot we had an audience with us back there"

 

"You get used to it trust me" Sid laughed and lay back on the grass where Tom soon joined him and they lay there dozing in the midday sun just enjoying the others company.

~~

Spring came and went and summer soon followed along with autumn. The winter air was crisp on his cheeks as he walked down the cobbled streets with his jacket collar pulled up around his ears and scarf tightened securely around his neck.

The first snow of the season had fallen that night so as he passed down each street kids ran rings around him throwing snowballs and dragging sleds behind them as they made the top of the road to go skidding back down again.

He watched shop window dressers putting decorations up in their windows ready for the christmas season. He'd been out doing his christmas shopping himself that day. He'd been trying to push himself to do more on his own so he could get his independence back completely. Recovery had been slow on the physical front and he still had problems with pain in his leg and shoulder but as the months went by either the pain dulled or he got used to it and either option was fine with him.

People he knew around the village had all wished him a merry christmas and the elderly women all commented on how well he looked. Everyone in the village new a version of what had happened to him. Keeping secrets in a place this small was never really a possibility but through careful manipulation from Mrs Mccarthy and Lady Felicia as well as lectures on gossiping from Father Brown during his sermons the complete truth remained only between them.

He'd been to drop the gifts he'd bought back at the cottage and was now making his way to Tom's home on the outskirts of the village with his christmas present tucked firmly in his pocket. He'd even gone to the effort of attempting to wrap it somewhat neatly but he had to admit he might've had more luck asking Mrs M for her artistic talents in doing so. It wasn't anything special of any kind, he wasn't a rich man. He hadn't yet managed to go back to driving Lady Felicia around because of how long it was taking him to recover but she'd slyly come up with a fake job for him to do so her husband wouldn't ask questions about why he was still being paid even though it wasn't close to the sum he was earning before. She'd tried to insist he get the full amount but he'd refused on principle that he not earn money for something he wasn't doing so they'd come to a compromise. From this he'd saved a coin or two here and there till he saved enough to buy a bottle of some fancy whiskey he knew Tom liked to drink on special occasions.

He saw the small cottage tucked away in a copse of trees just ahead with its thatched roof and winding stone path. He'd been here a few times since they had started their relationship but most of their time together was spent at Father Brown's as Tom insisted on him not being away from his safe environment till he was certain he was ready.

The first time he'd been there he still used the wheelchair the majority of the time and it had taken twenty minutes just to get him into the house without breaking more bones but they'd laughed the entire time and fell into an exhausted heap on the sofa and listened to music on the wireless.

Today's visit was a first though for the fact that not only had he walked his own way there without even his cane but he would also be spending the night. He'd had his hair cut and ironed his clothes, or at least Mrs Mccarthy had after he burned a hole in one shirt, and shined his shoes all for the occasion and then spent an hour fretting that he'd done to much till his friends assured him he looked fine and he'd walked out the door with his head held high.

He walked tentatively up the stone path and knocked on the front door. Tom answered within seconds looking remarkably underdressed compared to his usual formal attire that he always seemed loathe to be without. He was wearing a loser cream white shirt half tucked into his waistband and most of the top buttons undone revealing his white vest and some well groomed chest hair. His shirt sleeves were rolled sloppily to his elbow revealing tanned muscular forearms.

If he didn't feel overdressed before he certainly did now. "Hey"

"Hello Sid. Come on in" he said stepping back so Sid could slip past into the house. As he passed he made sure to look over his shoulder to check if anyone was about before stealing a kiss. Tom quickly shut the door behind them and Sid found himself pushed against it with a firm body pressed against him.

"Well it's nice to see you to" he laughed as the older man swept him into an embrace and kissed him again. "You'd think I'd been missed or something"

Tom pulled back from the kiss laughing and swatting him gently on the hips and leading him by the hand into the the living room. "Was the walk over okay?" he asked as Sid gently lowered himself on to the sofa.

"Ah you know not the worst. Didn't use that bloody stick today 'nd only had to lean on somethin' once" Walking unaided was a slow painful process that wore him out quickly so by the time he was walking up the path he was pretty knackered and grateful for being able to sit down.

"You shouldn't push yourself so hard"

"Well how else was I gonna get here? Can't fly can I? Ain't got wings" he said earning himself another gentle slap from Tom.

"You could've phoned and I'd've picked you up. Don't want you wearing yourself out to early" he said flirtingly into his ear. "Got plans for you later"

Sid grinned mischievously "well I'm sure I can find some more energy from somewhere" he leaned into the older man kissing him heartedly before pulling back much to Tom's disappointment. "But if you picked me up I wouldn't've been able to get you this" he said pulling the mess of paper out of his pocket.

"I thought I told you no presents? I'm not one to celebrate Christmas" he said taking the gift from him.

"I know you got me a present so don't even deny it. I heard Mrs Mccarthy tell Father Brown you'd been asking about my clothing sizes for some reason and I put two and two together and figured you're up to something"

"And why were you snooping on other people's conversations? It will get you in trouble one day"

"One day? Try my entire life." he teased.

"Why do I love you again?" Tom said shaking his head mock solemnly.

"Because I'm adorable" he said grinning broadly

"Oh fuck off" Tom cracked up into peels of laughter "Why are you so ridiculous?"

"Same reason you're always so serious all the time, we just are."

"I'm not serious all the time" Tom said defiantly.

"Oh really? When do you ever relax and just let things happen? Or do something spontaneous and fun?"

"You make it sound like im boring" Tom said seemingly slightly offended.

"Boring is something you've never been but you could relax some"

"Oh yeah? And how would you suggest I do that?"

"Surprise me?" Sid suggested. He watched Tom's face as it went serious again making Sid have to try really hard not laugh. Tom thought in silence for a moment before getting up and going to the bookshelf in the corner and pulling a record off the shelf and putting it on the player. Some up beat big band music started playing and he extended a hand towards him. "What are you doing?" he asked curiously.

"Showing I'm not as serious as you seem to think" he replied extending his other hand for Sid to grab and be pulled to his feet. Tom guided one of Sid's hands so it was on his shoulder and Tom put one hand on his hip keeping their other hands linked together. Sid looked confused as Tom took a step closer towards him and then started guiding him into a simple stepping motion.

"You can dance?" he asked surprised as he narrowly avoided stepping on Tom's foot again.

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

"I never even knew you liked music"

"Who doesn't like music?"

"Well I figured you like boring classical stuff but not real music"

"A thousand composers are spinning in their graves Sidney Carter" He said demonstrating by spinning Sid around and who stumbled almost crashing backwards as his leg gave way beneath him. Tom caught him and held him till he was steady again "Sorry"

Sid got a tighter grip on the man's shoulder and let himself be guided in their steps as they danced to the music. Sid couldn't help but notice the way Tom's hips moved smoothly and precisely as they swayed against him. Every movement was graceful and elegant and Sid had to admit he was more than a little surprised by it.

"When did you learn to dance?" he asked

"There was this club back in London. Long gone now obviously it got discovered shortly before I was sent here, you can probably guess who the leading officer on the case was there. It was in a small place under a bridge all very hush hush and you couldn't get in without a password but it was for people just like us. The people you would meet there you wouldn't believe. Men dressed as women up on the stage miming to songs from musicals. Some days men would get up on the stages and strip for the audience. It was definitely an interesting place if you were trying to explore or you were. Arthur and I would go there sometimes together originally out of curiosity but then because of all the amazing people we met. We were lucky we weren't there the night it got raided as it turned into a bloodbath. I just hope those who got away didn't give up on the club and continued it elsewhere"

"You learned to dance in a seedy club? Well you are full of surprises today Tommy."

"It wasn't just a seedy club. It was a family just like we have here except they were all just like us. Men, women and everything in between and beyond all in one building talking, dancing, learning, singing, fucking. Anything and everything went on there but it was always done with love. God I wish you could've seen it" he said. Sid put his head on his chest listening to his heartbeat as he reminisced about times gone by. "There was never any judgement in that place unless you count your dress sense or dancing ability"

"That explains so much"

"Oi" they laughed and swayed to the music till Sid needed to rest again.

Tom helped him sit down and positioned some cushions around him to better support his hip and leg. Sid winced as he adjusted into a comfortable position but relaxed when the pressure of standing was gone.

"I'm sorry that was to much" Tom said.

"I enjoyed it Tommy don't worry. Maybe when I'm back on my feet properly you can show me a few of your moves"

"You mean you actually want to learn?"

"Wouldn't ask if I didn't would I?"

Tom's smile could've lit up a room and Sid's heart warmed so much that the pain in his leg was barely a spark in the back of his mind.

"I'd really like that"

"Good. Now open your damn present already" he said pointing at the parcel that had been discarded to the side as they danced around the living room. "I even tried to wrap it so appreciate it" he laughed.

Tom looked at the poor attempt at wrapping mock disdainfully "Tried being the operative word"

"Just open it" Tom pulled the string holding the paper together at the top and pulled the small bottle out and read the label "How did you know this was my favourite drink? I've never told you?"

"I think I heard you say it long before all of this" he said gesturing between them "Think it was back when you still hated me or something. Guess it stuck in my brain."

"thank you Sid" Tom said leaning in to kiss him sweetly on the cheek "Shall we try some?" he offered wagging the bottle in the air.

"Not supposed to drink on my meds but I suppose one wouldn't hurt would it?" Tom got up and poured them both some of the whiskey and handed one glass to him and sat back down. Sid took a sip of the honey coloured liquid and moaned at the delightful taste "Oh thats beautiful"

Tom looked up from his drink to watch him take another sip "Well I guess I get two beautiful things for christmas this year" he said making Sid sputter and choke so hard Tom had to thump him on the back.

"Don't be funny when I'm drinking you coulda killed me" he coughed.

"Wasn't being funny" Tom said earnestly rubbing circles on his back "You okay?"

"Yeah just wasn't expecting that"

"What?"

"What you said"

"Saying you're beautiful? I've told you that before?"

"And every time it shocks me"

"Why?"

"Because you're the only one that thinks it"

"Then everyone else is blind"

"Or it's just you"

"No my senses are all perfect. And my senses tell me you're beautiful"

"And mine tell me you're ridiculous"

"You love it"

"Did I say I didn't?" Sid kissed the older man "I love everything about you" he kissed him again "every. Single. Thing" he punctuated each word with a kiss. He deepened the kiss with the intent to try and show how serious he was. He felt Tom's tongue run along his lip and he opened his mouth to let him in. They'd made out many times in the past but this was different. It had more passion and fire to it than before.

They shifted positions till they were practically laying on top of each other on the sofa with their legs entwined. Sid let his hands roam from Tom's hair to the waistband of his trousers where he slipped his hands beneath the bottom of his shirt and wonder over his stomach and chest. Tom was a fit man with a fair amount of muscle on his chest and arms which gave way to a slight softness on his belly that Sid loved to fall asleep on whilst he read to him.

He let his fingers dance across his chest till they brushed against one of Tom's nipples making him gasp into his mouth and shift position so one of his legs was pressed firmly against Sid's groin giving a delightful pressure that made Sid have to force himself not to grind down on. He took his hands out from beneath his shirt and awkwardly tried to unbutton it without breaking the kiss.

"Here let me" Tom said pulling back and slipped his shirt and vest over his head, discarding it to the side then turning his attention to the removal of Sid's own clothes. As soon as they were both without clothing on their top half Sid set to work exploring the tanned flesh with his tongue making sure to pay special attention to the nipples to gain the reaction he'd got earlier. He mouthed at the pink nub of flesh, sucking and nipping at it making Tom throw his head back and pant hard. The reaction got Sid curious, he'd never thought much about nipple play being pleasurable to a man before. He knew girls he'd been with enjoyed it but never had any of them tried similar things on him. With that curiosity in mind he let his hand wonder up his own chest and gave one of his nipples a slight pinch which sent a spark of pleasure through his chest and down his spine, he certainly hadn't expected that. He gave his other nipple a tweak as he continued to nip at Tom's chest and continued for a few moments before Tom noticed what he was doing.

"You like that?" he gasped out as Sid sucked particularly hard at one nipple "Feels good doesn't it?" Sid pulled back from Tom's wet abused nipple and Tom took the opportunity to push him back against the arm of the sofa so he was on top now and turned the tables by blowing hot hair on to the nipple he'd been pinching. Sid moaned as the warm hair sent shivers down his spine which Tom took as a signal to continue and leant down to such and massage at his nipples. His chest still hadn't completely shrunken to a normal size and were still small handfuls on his chest but right now with how sensitive they felt as Tom mauled his chest he didn't care what size they were or about the thick scare still spread across them.

"Oh god Tommy" he moaned after a particularly intense spark of pleasure went straight to his groin. Tom grinned wickedly up at him and repeated the motion over and over on each nipple making Sid dig his nails into the fabric of the sofa trying to get a hold on to something as waves of pleasure rushed over him. "Oh my god" he moaned deep in his throat.

He could feel his erection pushing against the fabric of his trousers and the pressure of Tom's thigh and he could no longer stop himself from grinding down on it trying to find some friction before he went mad.

"Now Now Sidney. Slow down or it will all be over before all the fun can begin" Tom whispered in a deep growl in his ear before mauling his mouth again.

"Would you like to move upstairs?" Tom asked pulling back "We don't have to go any further than you're ready for but it will be a damn sight more comfortable up there than both of us cramped on this tiny sofa" he offered.

"Lead the way" he replied and he'd barely finished saying it when he was being pulled to his feet and dragged out the room banging in to hard surfaces here and there as passionate kisses were pressed all over him.

It took awhile to make it up the stairs and into the bedroom but they eventually found themselves in what Sid assumed was the bedroom but in the moment couldn't bring himself to care about his surroundings when he had a hot mouth sucking at his chest making his knees go week.

His dick was now so hard in his trousers that the pressure of the fabric holding it in was almost painful. "Can we?" he asked gesturing to Tom's own belt buckle.

Tom wasted no time in stripping them both of their trousers and shoes leaving them standing before each other completely naked. Both of their cocks were standing to attention against their stomachs which made Sid feel suddenly nervous. Tom seemed to pick up on this and pulled him in to another kiss to reassure him. "We go at your pace. We stop if you want to stop and go only as far as you can handle. We don't have to rush anything" he promised as he guided him on to the bed.

Sid let his hands wander over his lovers naked frame. Everything about him was perfect from his beautiful blue eyes to his round arse and thick muscular thighs that Sid seemed fixated on. He wondered what they'd feel like pressed against him as Tom fucked up. The thought made his cock jump in excitement.

Sid looked at Tom's erection which was pressed between their bellies "Can I?" he asked nervously. Tom nodded so Sid reached out to grip the thick member in his hand. It was warm and hard in his hand and seemed to throb in his hand when he moved or squeezed it. Just the pressure of his hand around him had Tom gasping against his throat. He gripped a little tighter and started a rhythm of stroking and twisting his hand around his cock. It couldn't be much different than masturbating surely? Whatever he thought Tom seemed to be enjoying the sensation as he moaned and bucked his hips into his hand. "Am I doing it right?" he asked.

The moans coming from the other man's mouth should've been answer enough but he picked up the pace of his strokes justin case. "Oh god Sidney" Tom moaned throwing his head back in pleasure "Oh my goodness. God you're perfect" he almost howled "Oh god" his moaning got louder and the bucks of his hips more violent as he came in thick white streaks across Sid's hand and both their bellies. He stared in fascination at the liquid on his fingers and couldn't resist bringing his fingers to his lips just to taste it. It was watery and salty and not altogether pleasant but the reason behind it being there made his cock jump and he found himself wanting more so he licked the rest off his fingers then cleaned up what was left on Tom's belly to.

Slowly Tom joined him as he came down from his orgasmic high his face pink and hair dripping in sweat. "How did you learn to do that?" he asked still panting to get his breath back.

"Lots of personal practice from a misspent youth" he said admiring the way Tom's cock still twitched against his thigh as if fighting to get hard again.

"Fuck Sidney I've not felt anything like that in a long time"

"I don't exactly know what I'm doing here. You don't have to pretend"

"Shit Sid. There was no pretending there believe me but you will learn more in time. For now it's my turn to make you feel good. If you want me to stop at any point just say stop and I will okay? Don't be afraid to end it if you aren't comfortable" he said kissing him hard again.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. Just lay on your stomach or kneel down over the bed or get on your hands and knees. Whichever feels most comfortable for you" Sid eyed him curiously but did as he was told getting on his hands and knees facing the headboard. Rough hands stroked along his hips and over the curve of his ass till they pulled his cheeks apart and Sid froze solid. Tom immediately picked up on it and stopped "Do you want me to stop?"

"No...just...this isn't going to hurt is it?"

"I promise it won't and I won't do anything but this without explaining it to you first. But I promise you with all my heart this will feel good if a little strange at first." Sid thought for a second but then forced himself to relax. He trusted Thomas not to hurt him so if he said he wouldn't then he would take him at his word.

"Okay" he said spreading his legs a little for a more comfortable position. Tom spread his cheeks again and Sid felt warm air blowing against his hole. It was a weird feeling but not altogether unpleasant. After a moment the air was replaced by a thick wet thing painting circles around his entrance. It took a second to register what was happening but then it dawned on him, that was Tom's tongue.

He'd never even heard of such a thing being done in his life and Tom hadn't been kidding when he said it would feel strange but there was something oddly nice about it to. Tom continued to circle his entrance and then let his tongue slip in side slightly making Sid freeze again but this time was entirely out of pleasure. "Oh my god" he whined at the strange sensation that felt so good.

"Just relax and enjoy yourself. I want to make you feel good Sid, this is all about you" he said in between fucking his hole with his tongue and sucking on his balls that made his cock twitch.

"Do you want to try something more?" Tom asked

Sid's mind was foggy from pleasure and wasn't entirely sure he was still managing to stay on his knees right now. "I have no idea what I'm doing... I mean I've read books but...they weren't very descriptive?"

"You can learn at your own pace. It's about learning what you enjoy and what you don't and you never have to do anything you aren't ready for. Its all about experimentation"

Sid thought for a moment about what Tom had said. He'd already tried several new things today and there was no denying he enjoyed all of it even if it still seemed weird to him so why wouldn't what else Tom had planned for him feel nice? "What did you have in mind?" he asked curiously.

Tom slipped off the bed and went to the dresser leaving Sid feeling a bit ridiculous positioned how he was on the bed making him almost want to curl up and cover himself. Tom returned seconds later and showed him a tub of a gel like substance "What's that?"

"Lubricant"

"For?"

"Well, it can be used for many things but usually it's to stop friction during sex so it's not painful"

"well that certainly makes it seem like an enjoyable experience" Sid deadpanned.

"It is if you take it slow and communicate over what feels nice and what doesn't" he popped the lid off the bottle and coated his fingers in the substance "Do you trust me to make this pleasurable for you?" Sid nodded in reply.

Tom gently rubbed circles on the small of his back and Sid could feel the cold wet finger pressing against his entrance like his tongue had earlier. "I need you to breathe for me and relax. I don't want to hurt you" he said and Sid tried to even out his breathing as the finger entered him slowly. He'd thought Tom's tongue felt weird but the strange burn he felt as his finger inserted past the knuckle. He tensed up around the intruding digit "Relax for me baby it will feel so good soon" His finger continued to thrust into him slowly till he relaxed and another finger joined it and the relaxation was gone and replaced with a slight burning pain. "Breathe through it baby just breathe" Tom said kissing up his spine as he scissored his fingers to stretch him open.

He worked him open till his fingers touched something inside him that made him gasp and almost lose his balance. "oh my god Tommy" he moaned as Tom adjusted his movements to hit the same spot again.

"There we go. See I told you it could feel good"

"Do it again, please Tommy" he begged tried to push his hips down further on to the fingers inside him "I need more".

"Are you sure? It might hurt at first?"

"Please Tommy" he moaned as his fingers brushed that spot again "It feels so good"

"Okay baby but remember to say stop if you need to" he said and Sid felt the fingers inside him being removed making him whine at the empty feeling he was left with. He heard the lid of the lubricant being opened again and felt Tom shift behind him "Are you ready baby?" he asked as Sid felt something much thicker than a finger pressed against his hole. "You want my cock in you?" He felt his hole stretch around Tom's erection and the burn was excruciating as he slid all the way inside him till his hips were pressed firmly against his backside and held there so he could get used to the sensation of being so full. Tom wrapped his arms around his hips and lifted him up so his back was pressed firmly against Tom's chest. The movement made him wince as he sunk further down on to Tom's cock. "Do you want me to stop baby?" he whispered in his ear then kissed down his neck and used one hand to tweak at his nipple and the other to stroke his cock.

"no...just don't move yet...hurts"

"If it hurts then we can stop baby." he said kissing his cheek so Sid leaned into his embrace.

"I want this Tommy just go slow, please" he said moving his hips a little to see what it would feel like. When the painful burn from earlier didn't overcome him he lifted himself up a bit more before sinking down again moaning deep in his chest as the older mans cock pressed hard against the spot inside him that felt so fucking good. "Please move. I need more" he begged trying to get some sort of rhythm up with his hips which was difficult given the position.

"Here" Tom said helping him move so he was on his hands and knees again but they didn't lose their connection "Are you ready?" he asked and Sid nodded wiggling his hips against Tom's crotch. Tom took that as a hint that it was okay to start moving and slowly pulled out before snapping his hips back in making Sid arch his back and moan.

They built up a steady pace of thrusts whilst Tom adjusted the angle so he was hitting Sid's prostate every time. "Do you like that baby?" Tom whispered into his ear after he almost screamed when Tom hit his prostate particularly hard. "Do you like my cock inside you?

"yes!" he whined gripping tight on to the bed sheets as his toes curled "Yes, oh god. Oh fuck Tommy please fuck me harder" he couldn't bring himself to care what he sounded like or what how loud he was. All he cared about was the fact he'd never felt anything like this before in his life and he never wanted it to stop. The sensation of being filled up by Tom's beautiful thick cock was almost to much to bare as he ground down hard each time his lover thrust into him. "Tommy" he moaned "Tommy, fuck I need more. Please" he begged and the older man picked up the pace of his thrusting so Sid was almost moving up the mattress as the bed frame banged loudly against the wall. He was really grateful there weren't any direct neighbours or they'd've been discovered long ago.

"God Sid I've never had anyone scream like you do. It's like a symphony to my ears. I want to make you come so hard on my cock that you can't make a single sound. You want that? You want to be fucked so hard you become like jelly in my arms?" he asked pinching his nipples again.

"Yessss" Sid whined "Anything, everything. Just more"

Tom picked up an excruciating pace that Sid was certain was going to hurt later but he didn't care as Tom's thrusts became more erratic and he could feel the warm sensation in his belly that meant he too was close to orgasm. "Tell me what you want baby" Tom growled into his ear "What do you want me to do?"

"Want to see you...feel you...you" he stuttered through each thrust. Tom stopped and pulled out and quickly flipped Sid on his back like he was made entirely of air and pushed his knees up so they were wrapped tightly around Tom's waist and he pushed back in picking up the thunderous pace.

Their faces were millimetres apart with lips ghosting over lips as Tom thrust hard into him with a final push and Sid could feel his insides being coated in thick hot come which sent him over the edge and he came blindingly hard across his own stomach. Tom continued with short shallow thrusts as he road out both their orgasms till the raw sensation was to much for either of them and he pulled out and lay beside Sid pulling him close into his arms.

"You okay baby?" he asked kissing the top of his head. Sid tucked himself close against his chest panting as he got his breath back and everything of what happened sunk in. "You want to talk about it?"

"No...yes...I.." he stuttered out weakly. He was tired and sore and unsure of all the emotions and sensations racing around his body.

"Are you hurting?"

"A little"

"Where baby? Was I too rough with you too soon?" he asked rubbing soothing circles on his back.

"Bit sore but mostly it's just my hip again" he said wincing as his aching hip twinged again. "Don't think it was ready for that sort of activity just yet"

"Can I get you something for the pain?"

"No. Just need to rest for a bit"

"How you feeling up here?" he asked tapping on his forehead softly.

"I don't know....I....I enjoyed it? But..." he paused trying to figure out a way of saying what his head meant.

"But?"

"It's just a lot you know? Like with everything that happened added to the fact I've never done that before? I felt like I had no control yet was completely in control? Don't get me wrong I wanted it all to happen but it's just a lot right now and I don't know how to process it"

"Baby here you will always have full control of what happens to you. If you don't want something to happen or you don't like it whilst it's happening or even after the fact then you just tell me and it's done with. I never want you to think i'd make you do something against your will, never."

"I know Tommy. It's just...I don't know...I don't know what to say or think right now.." Sid found himself feeling very small in such a big world and nothing made much sense other than he felt safe where he was in Tom's arms. "Can you just hold me? I need....I don't know....something?"

Warm arms wrapped tighter around him and he tucked his head into the crook of Tom's neck. "I won't let go baby you just sleep or rest till you are ready to talk. I'll be right here" He hummed a sweet tune quietly in his ear till he fell asleep.

~~

They slept through most of the night and awoke still in each others arms as the sun was starting to rise. "Good morning baby" Tommy whispered when he noticed he was awake "Did you sleep well?"

"mmm yep was very comfy. Ever considered a new career as a human teddy bear? You'd be a real hit." he replied rolling on to his back and stretching his limbs out, wincing as his hip joint clicked loudly and was then joined by a chorus of both their stomachs rumbling.

"We didn't manage dinner last night. Shall I start on breakfast?"

"Yeah I'll just....wait here..." he said shutting his eyes again.

"Sidney Carter you are not eating breakfast in bed. I know you and I know you'd get crumbs everywhere. Get dressed and sit at the table like a normal human."

"Yes Mrs M" Sid laughed launching the pillow at his lovers retreating backside.

He watched Tom's still naked form leave the room making sure he appreciated the full view oh what he was seeing then rolled over to the edge of the bed to get up himself. His hips were very sore this morning and a dull ache ran right down his thigh bone which probably wasn't good for his recovery but with how amazing last night felt he wasn't in the mood for caring.

He padded along the cold wood flooring following the smell of brewing coffee like a guide rope in a mine where he found Tom standing over the stove putting something under the grill. "Something smells delicious...and looks it too" he said squeezing Tom's arse cheek teasingly.

"Not so bad yourself Mr Carter" he replied turning to face him and putting his arms around his neck. "You feeling okay this morning baby?" he asked as they swayed together like they had the night before to the song on the record.

"Yeah I'm good. Last night was just a lot of new things at once and I over thought everything but I'm good now" he promised.

"You sure? You don't have to pretend to be okay with it if you aren't"

"Oh believe me I was more than okay with it. Who knew there were so many things you could do with your tongue?" he said grinning as he kissed Tom.

"Oh you don't even know the half of it. So many things you're going to learn baby. So many things" Sid watched as the man looked at him in a way that made his cock twitch.

"Well I'm a willing pupil." the kettle started whistling on the stove interrupting their moment. "Fucking kettle" he whined as Tom pulled back to remove it from the stove before it boiled over. "Not that I don't appreciate the view but probably best not to mess with boiling water or the grill when you're in the buff Tommy" he warned as a drop of water splashed up and narrowly avoided landing on Tom's thigh.

Tom poured them both a steaming mug of coffee and removed the toasted bread from the griddle and coated them both in marmalade and brought them over to the kitchen table. Sid sat and took a sip of the coffee and savoured the warming feeling that ran over his entire body as the hot liquid trickled down his throat.

"So..I wanted to ask....that thing you did with your tongue last night..."

"What about it?"

"What's it called?"

"I've heard it called a view things but rimming seems to be the most popular one. Why?"

"I've never felt anything so strange in my life...yet it felt so good?"

"Yes it took me a while to get used to it on both ends but it can be rather a pleasurable experience"

"You like it? Is it weird doing that to someone?" he asked curiously.

" Oh believe me when I first found out about it the thought of doing such a thing made me want to be sick but Arthur was determined he wanted to try it so we came up with a compromise to exchange ideas of things we wanted to try and it turned out for the best." he explained.

"What did you want to try?" Sid asked trying to think of all the different sexual activities he'd read about two men doing.

"I'm not sure it's something you'd be ready for learning about just yet"

"Now you're making me more curious. Come on what is it? Is it something freaky like lace underwear or being tied up?" he tried not to laugh at Tom's scandalised face when he said that.

"Nothing of the sort" he said his voice a few octaves higher than normal "I wanted to try something I saw at the club one night is all"

"Wait you watched people fuck in the club?"

"not all the time!" Tom replied defensively "Just on certain nights there were themes which often lead to....activities....between willing patrons"

"So you watched people fuck in the club?" he said again

"If you want to be crude about it yes"

"So what did you want to try? Come on it can't be that bad"

"Fisting" he relented

"Fisting? Thats...."

"Yes"

"Huh"

"I warned you that you weren't ready to learn about it yet"

"No it's not that it's just....wouldn't that hurt a lot?"

"If done properly and prepared carefully it doesn't." he explained.

"So did you get to try it?"

"Once..."

"Was it good?"

"Incredible"

"Do you think maybe....one day....not now...but like in a while....we could try something like that?" he asked shyly as his skin burned red and was made all the more obvious but his complete lack of clothing.

"You'd want that?"

"I mean I'd like to try it on you if you like? Maybe one day you could try it on me too..."

Tom looked at him with complete surprise on his face like he'd suddenly grown an extra head or three. "Are you sure?"

"Tommy Just because you were the first guy I slept with it doesn't mean I'm made of glass or some sort of prude" he said a little more defensively that he intended. "Sorry...It's just....I want to learn things...I don't need coddling from it in fear of me having flashbacks. Yes I get them and yes I probably always will but if I don't want to do something or it scares me I will tell you about it. Shielding me from everything won't solve a thing"

"I just worry about you Sid. You've come on so far since you got out of the hospital. I don't want to be the cause of you going backwards in your recovery"

"And you won't be. Anything that I do is on me and if it doesn't work out then it's still on me for doing in the first place."

"I will never understand how you've managed to be so strong through all this"

"I haven't been. I've just got you and Father Brown and Mrs M and Lady Felicia to keep me going." They sat in silence as they finished their coffee and toast till Tom suggested they go get dressed as the kitchen was slightly too cold to sit in naked even with the stove on.

When they were dressed again and laying on the sofa together listening to the wireless Tom suddenly interrupted the peaceful silence. "Oh I forgot to give you your present! Wait here!" he said as he carefully shifted from beneath him and vanished from the room for a few minutes before returning with a very neatly wrapped box tied with a large red bow on top.

Sid had never seen such a large gift box in anything but the movies and his mind boggled as he tried to figure out how the size of the box could correlate to Tom asking Mrs M for his clothing size.

"What's this?" he asked in awe as Tom placed the box in his lap then retook his seat beside him.

"If I told you what's in it it would completely defeat the purpose of it being wrapped in the first place."

"Can I open it now?" he asked excitedly. Christmas living with a priest had never been so much about the presents as it had been going to church three times on christmas day and twice on christmas eve and boxing day. Not that he didn't receive presents or give them by any means. The opposite in fact. On his tenth birthday he'd woken up to find a brand new red bicycle with a bow on it waiting under the christmas tree for him from Lady Felicia. He'd taken it outside to learn how to ride the moment he'd gotten out of his pyjamas. Father Brown had run alongside him for hours till he was able to hold his own balance and then he was off and cycled for miles despite the heavy snow and it was his first real taste of freedom and independence. Mrs Mccarthy had knitted him a new jumper and matching mittens and scarf to protect him from the cold air when he was out on his new bike and he'd never worn an item of clothing more proudly as he cycled down the village lanes. Father Brown's gifts were always books that sent him off in his dreams on wild adventures of daring sword fights on the high seas to rescuing princesses trapped in towering castles. He'd join him for hours of running round the house pretending it was a battle field and they were planning a daring attack across enemy lines. He could still remember the first christmas present he ever received and how he'd cried for hours out of confused shock and happiness. It was a small brown teddy bear with ragged fur and a missing eye that was Father Brown's as a boy and he was now passing it on to him. He'd never owned a toy before in his short life and hadn't long been living with Father Brown so he had treasured the bear more than anything he'd ever owned. He still had it to this day on a shelf in his room where it was safe from any further damage after what it had sustained over his childhood years. Sometimes he'd take it out from its hiding place and exam the many repairs or 'surgeries' Mrs Mccarthy had done on it whenever it got torn or lost a limb or ear from to much rough play. It was physical proof for him that something so worn and broken could still be loved no matter what.

"If you weren't supposed to open it now I wouldn't give it to you. Go on open it" Sid tore at the bow holding the box together and ripped off the lid and carefully folded back the thin sheets of paper covering something made of navy blue fabric below.

He gasped as he pulled out a beautifully tailored suit jacket made of such a soft material it was almost like touching clouds. Below it was a matching pair of trousers and waistcoat with a crisp white shirt. He'd never seen anything like it before in his life. "Tommy....it's beautiful....how....this must've cost more than anything I have ever and will ever own in my life" he was struck dumb by receiving such a fine gift.

"I called in a favour from an old friend back in London. They were more than willing to help after I got them out a spot of bother when a former employee reported he and his partner to the police after he was fired for theft."

"You did this for me....I don't know what to say"

"Say nothing just try it on see how it fits. Mrs Mccarthy gave me your measurements from when she adjusted your shirt for you in spring so it should fit fine but adjustments can be made easily."

Sid didn't waste time in pulling off his tatty by comparison clothes and putting on the beautiful gift he'd just recieved.

The material slid on smooth as silk and fit like a glove. He smoothed down the seams and adjusted the collar and turned back to face Tom.

"Just one more thing" he said and pulled out a small curved box from his pocket and flipped it open to reveal a tie and pocket square. "This is usually given to the wife or girlfriend of a policeman as a token of their love. It's meant to be a scarf originally but I figured that's not really your style so I had it turned into this as a token of how much I love you." Sid took the tie from the box and looped it under his collar then held still as Tom adjusted the pocket square neatly into his breast pocket. "I may not be able to marry you baby and I don't know if we ever will but I want you to take this as a promise that if I could I would marry you in a heartbeat" he dusted a spec of something off the shoulder of his new coat and looked at him through beautiful blue eyes. "You amaze me Sidney Carter. Day in day out you inspire me with your bravery, kindness and humor and how even though through everything that happened you still strive to be a better person and help those around you."

Sid traced his fingers over the silk material of the pocket square that had the gold embossed logo of what he figured was the police force. "You want me to have this?" he asked still struck dumb by the beauty and thoughtfulness of the gift he'd received.

"Yes"

"You want me to have this and you want to marry me?" he repeated.

Tom cupped his face in his hands and kissed him. "yes baby I want you to have this and yes I want you to marry me."

"I don't understand" his mind was racing through every happy thought and feeling his brain could muster up.

Tom smiled a broad adoring smile that melted his heart "Sidney Carter. Will you marry me should it ever be legal for us to do so?" Sid didn't know what to do. He'd never even thought of being proposed to before and now it was happening and his brain had just completely shut down leaving him starring gormlessly at his lover. "Sid? You still with me?"

He shook himself out of his trancelike state "yes....oh my god....yes Tommy I will marry you" they almost went flying backwards as he through his arms around the older man's neck in excitement.

"You mean it?"

"Oh my god yes I mean it more than you could believe" they both wept happy tears as they embraced in a muddle of long limbs. "Suddenly the bottle of whiskey seems a rather inferior gift..." he thought out loud laughing as he wiped happy tears from his eyes.

"Actually I think it's rather fitting. Perfect for toasting to our future together wherever it may lead us" he reached towards the table to gather their glasses from yesterday to refill them but Sid stopped his hand.

"Wait. If we are going to toast to our future then I think we need to be with everyone who will be part of it."

Tom smiled at him and put the glasses back down and instead picked up the bottle and made sure the lid was fastened tightly on. "Well I guess we'd better go find them then" he said offering his arm for Sid to link his around as they walked towards the door.

~~

Sid felt like the luckiest man in the world as they drove the short distance from Tom's house to the cottage still holding hands beneath the dashboard so anyone paying attention wouldn't notice.

Sid practically ran up to the front door and went to get his key from his pocket but remembered it was still in his trouser pocket on the living room floor back at Tom's so he waited for Tom to join him on the step and knocked the door.

It didn't take long for Mrs Mccarthy to answer and she smiled brightly as she ushered them in from the cold. "What do you think you're doing being out in the snow without a coat on Sidney Carter? You'll catch your death out there. And you Inspector. I expected you to know better." she tutted as she shooed them into the kitchen where Father Brown and Lady Felicia were sat chatting.

"Well well don't we look divine" Lady Felicia cooed as she eyed up Sid's outfit "You do spoil the boy Inspector but you have fine taste. Do I detect Savile Row?"

"Your eye for detail never fails you Lady Felicia" Tom replied from where he stood behind Sid.

Father Brown was eyeing them both suspiciously with merriment in his eyes "I do believe they've come to deliver us some news" he said smiling joyfully. Sid should've guessed he'd suss them out right away.

"Father, Mrs M, Lady Felicia...I...we....we're engaged" he said taking Tom's hand firmly in his and resting his head on the older man's shoulder. "We know it might not ever be possible to marry legally but if the day comes when we can then we will in a heartbeat" he explained.

"Oh how delightful!" Lady Felicia shrieked rising to her feet to come kiss them both on the cheek. Father Brown clapped happily and congratulated the pair with a twinkle in his eye and Mrs Mccarthy was wiping tears from her eyes with the tea towel she held but gave up in favor of hugging them both.

"I take it we've got your blessing then?" Sid asked cautiously.

"Sid if ever the day comes where you can marry and I am still here then I will be more than happy to officiate the ceremony" Father Brown promised "But for now I will offer you my sincerest congratulations and wishes for a long and happy life together"

"Oh look at you" Mrs Mccarthy sobbed "The little boy I watched grow up is now to be wed. How is this possible?"

"There there Mrs M" Lady Felicia comforted "It's not like he's leaving us."

"Oh I know but I keep thinking about who will make the wedding cake if I'm not here to see to it?" Everyone laughed and Sid reached out to hug Mrs Mccarthy lovingly.

"Don't worry Mrs M even if you aren't here physically to do it I'm sure you can make sure it all goes perfectly in spirit" he promised.

Lady Felicia dug up some whiskey tumblers from a cupboard and Tom spread the whiskey between them and raised his glass high. "I'd like to propose a toast. Not just to our future marriage but to family and new friendships that lead us down this path. Your love and kindness as we travelled down this road means the world to us both and I hope you continue to journey with us for many years to come. To the future"

"To the future" they all cheered clinking their glasses together and downing its contents.

Sid felt himself be wrapped up in a loving embrace from Tom who kissed him and Sid couldn't help but notice the happy year running down his cheek "I love you Sid."

"I love you too Tommy"

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> Please share with the rest of the Father Brown fandom as I can't seem to find where most of you hang out! so few posts on here or tumblr which is a shame as our little show is the best. 
> 
> Heres to the new series starting tomorrow!


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